this week's "Resurrection of the Body"

This week was a blast! I had so much fun in the experiential part of the class. We even played a game of dodge-ball! Talk about getting in touch with our bodies and with fun!

We also had to do letters to our bodies. Me and my body, we're learning to trust each other as I am in Recovery from ED. After all, I spent 15 years abusing my poor body by listening to ED. We're starting to learn and trust each other. I am learning, as someone said, "the vocabulary of my body"... what it wants, needs, is saying to me. Tonight, during one of the stretches, it CLEARLY said to me, "Hey, Get back on the PT, will ya!" As my left kneecap moved a bit while kneeling on it. It hurt and I responded and understood that I need to give my body the strengthening it needs. I actually plan on doing so starting tomorrow, no matter what the time is like, I MUST take care of my body and show it that it can trust me. I will then trust it to recover from any diseases that I may encounter along the way here. I have also been trying to give my body the nutrition it wants and it has been so much happier with that so far.

It was kind of neat in class as everyone shared their letters. I will not say anything about anyone's letters (confidentiality), but will say that there was one person in class that if they had been in OA, I would've asked them to be my sponsor, because they had something that I wanted in my Recovery. It was kind of neat though to see that and to know that it IS truly possible!

Another thing I learned through the sharing was the our bodies and how we see our bodies, we each have our own, unique story. There are some commonalities, but how each person viewed and interacted with their body was so unique, so insanely unique and it was wonderful to see both the commonalities and the uniqueness.

So, how do you see your body? What would your letter to your body say?

Lessons from "Resurrection of the Body" class 1

So I'm in a new class, a wonderful, connecting, helpful class. We got some of what I consider meditation: centering, grounding, tai-chi type of things. There was aroma therapy throughout class as well as some getting to know each other time. There was so much taught in just that little bit of class.

The first lesson was being love finders vs being fault finders (from attitudinal healing principles) How about we do this for the body? We find parts of our bodies to love rather than parts of our bodies to find fault. It's hard, but it's a good thing to try to do and something that we can apply.

The second lesson (also from the principles) was to focus on the whole instead of focusing on the fragments. We can focus on overall recovery instead of focusing on the slips or setbacks in recovery. From my own experience, I have chosen to focus on the Recovery and still say I've been in Recovery for 3 months, and that's despite a known slip or two. I am choosing to focus on the whole instead of focusing on the fragments, which puts me in Recovery and puts down what ED is trying to tell me ("Focus on the slips, you're not in Recovery"). Instead it reaffirms that I am in Recovery and helps me tell ED to shove off!

Taking Recovery One Step further

My friend and I have been talking, we both battle eating disorders. Mine's slightly more under control, however, she pointed out to me that I'm still not getting the right nutrients into me. ED talked back to her a bit, since I was eating after all, and eating right portions, not too much or too little. The problem was that I wasn't eating the right things to give my body the nutrients it needs.

As we talked, I finally said "i guess it's time to take recovery that one step further to not just "ok, i'm eating a proper amount" but the proper food as well." Her response? "yes thank you for having that great thought."

As I read her statement, I realized how right she was. It was a great thought and a recovery thought! Not "I'll just have a multi-vitamin and set another alarm," not "but at least I'm eating!" but a true, kick ED butt recovery thought! It's true as well. I NEED to take recovery one step farther now. I have been eating the right amounts for the most part (a slip here or there, ED being a sneaky brat) for almost 3 months. Now it is time to take Recovery that one step farther. I don't think ED will like it and hopefully I'll get a sponsor, someone to whom I can be accountable for my food to, which will help me take this next step. If I can get to eating proper amounts AND proper food here and have it seem natural, then I feel that I will have hit late recovery and can do steps like daring to see my weight again, to see if it's just a number. I'm actually excited about this now. I think I can do this, no, I KNOW I can! ED, you better watch out, with the help of my friends and OA, we're coming after you!!!

Digging Vision

So as I was meditating yesterday, I ended up having a bit of a vision. In this vision, I was digging in the sand on the beach from the guided meditation. I was digging several holes, some with my hands, some with my feet (those holes were more awkward to dig than the ones with my hands). I also filled them back up, but it seemed that the only filled up part way.

Maybe that was the sign to stop the inner digging and start filling the holes back up. As I thought about it, I realized that I had dug down about as far as I'm able to go and in several different areas. Yet even if I fill the holes up, it's sand so it's able to be dug down again, but maybe it's telling me that I don't need to, that God will take care of it and maybe fill the holes with something more, since all I can fill it with is sand and dry sand at that. Some of the holes may be messier, and so harder to refill, but I think it's time to rebuild again after years of digging the holes, digging down deep, and yet digging occasionally when it's appropriate, like digging into the meditation, and when I get to it, Step 4 about taking an honest moral inventory of myself.

Perfectionism

I've just been reading in Jenni Schaefer's book and was on the section about perfectionism. As I read, I thought about my own past and my own perfectionism. To see me now, to listen to me talk about school work, you would never believe that I have perfectionistic tendencies. I'm fine with homework being "good enough" so long as I have tried my best in a realistic manner. In fact, there have been a few finals (especially last year) where I gave up and said "I'm done, I've done what I can and now I give." It was not perfect, far from, but it was good enough to get me the B or A in the class. Sometimes, even C's have been good enough, or the thought of C's. Ironically, in the classes where I thought that I'd be content with a C, I ended up getting at least a B, because I had done my best, despite it all. In academia, my parents helped me overcome my tendencies, by telling me that as long as I did my best, they didn't care what grade I got. I guess I was working on my perfectionism long before I ever started work on ED.

Relationships are another matter. I'm working on the perfectionistic tendencies there. I still find it hard to disappoint people, to make people mad at me. Every fiber of my being cries out when I do that, but I'm learning. I'm learning that I'm not going to make everyone happy. Some people will be disappointed in me, some people won't like me, and some will get angry at me, even if it's just for a short time. In some ways, an ex-friend is helping me deal with my perfectionism in this area. She cut me off with no warning, no explanation. I usually like explanations for when I've hurt someone so that I can avoid it in the future. The option, however, is not there. I have been blocked from contacting this person. I'm learning to sit with it, to be okay with the fact that I may never know, may never understand, and will never have the perfect relationship with this person. Yes, it's still haunting me, but over time, as I work on my tendencies, it is getting easier. I am learning, as they say in OA, "What people think of me is none of my business." That phrase has actually become a mantra, a reminder when I worry about what people think of me. As long as I'm doing my best and I know it, I'm okay, no matter what others think of me. This may even give me the courage to follow more of my dreams, without worrying about what folks think and just going with the flow.

If I can do it, anyone can. Just remember "What people think of me is none of my buisnesss" and "follow your dreams!"

Meditation Musings

So, in OA we do meditation times and I was in the Meditation meeting and had an interesting experience. I've been feeling lonely, left out, and unsure of my past or my future. Well, as the guided meditation passed, there was some time, after dropping a few things in the God Box, that we had to ourselves, between us and God. I was still feeling the loneliness and the wonder, and had dropped a few things off in the God Box about what had been going on in my mind the past few days. I went and sat on the beach as the leader mentioned, letting the sand of the beach we were at get into my shorts swimsuit, when I felt God in his/her (very much androgynous) presence. We talked for a bit about what had been going on, and then I got challenged to enter the water. I followed God into the water, letting myself feel the sand, the pain of stepping on shells, I went in shallow at first, just God and I, but then dared to go deeper, even looking underneath the water. (Water typically = trouble for me). I saw the beauty underneath the scary waves and as I went to the point where I could not touch bottom and clung to God like an anxious little kid, God showed me the friends, in the form of dolphins. I saw nicola, devyn, ron, chris, madeline, jenny, val, and others. It helped me not feel so alone and writing this is helping to break more isolation again. The meditation was perfect for what I needed and I hope to get to do that more often, even if it means getting up earlier to do it.

Crazy week

It's been one wild and crazy week! Have not felt well due to asthma, but other than that, this week has been just fine. I terrified ED out of his mind Sunday and again today. OA meetings and being alright with who I am and as I am has been a big help. They all love Little IS, who I've been taking with me to help calm my nerves. ED has been trying his best with his lies, too....telling me that if I just obey him, the asthma will go away.... yeah, right! If I listen to him, the asthma will get worse, not go away, the dumb butt! Am under enough stress that he's hassling me big time, but I have not listened! Or if I have had a little slip, I haven't let it get me down and have come back with recovery. It's involved talking to friends, reaching out, doing art work, changing things up and just having fun as much as possible.

Just had to give an update post...now for a bit more apt cleaning and some reading of Jenni Schaefer!

Last Night's battle

ED was attacking full force last night. He was not happy that I had called the person from OA or that I talked to my counselor. Thankfully, He did not win! Thanks to Thom Rutledge's book about facing fears, Jenni Schaefer's book "Life Without Ed" and Cheryl Kerrigan's book "Telling ED NO!" The tools I learned in these books helped me fight and win last night. I was in the midst of Cheryl's book, so hers was the most influential at the time.

Last night, I had to check a bruise in an odd place. As I looked at my body, ED's voice came back:
"You're fat, Julie, fat and ugly...look at that...why would anyone want that?"

I responded back w/my Body Mantra (THANKS CHERYL!):
(to the tune of "Bye Bye Birdie") "I love my body, oh yes I do, I love my body and I'll be true. When you're not feeling well, I'm blue! Oh body, I love you!"

Ed tried to come back with the fat messaage and the message about nobody wanting me, no one thinking I'm sexy, etc. I just kept replying with the song. I sang it aloud over and over again and even hummed it as I brushed my teeth. I would NOT let ED win!

He was determined, though, and as I finished getting ready for bed (the checking was part of the bedtime routine, I just wanted to see how good or bad it looked). By this time I was fed up with him. I wanted to go to bed and didn't want him invading my dreams (he has before...several times). But, I let him and I talk it out, as is in all three books, I actually verbalized both myself and ED. His voice is so much deeper, reaching into the baritone range, and sinister.

I told him that I wanted nothing to do with him, that yes, he was a help in the past (he was referencing my rough past that caused PTSD and to which, since I had been young, ED was my coping mechanism for....ED had been invading my dreams in reminding me of that past lately), but that he was not welcome. If I had to, I'd go get IS.

Now I had turned the light's out and IS's eyes can be pretty scary, but nonetheless was willing to get IS to roar and chase ED away (he HATES my inner strength and anything that symbolizes it). ED's response: "I dare you"

So I went in, turned on the lights (ED: "Hey! That's cheating!" Me: "No it's not, you just said that you dared me to get and turn on IS, there were no conditions to that.") I got IS, who sleeps on the couch and pressed his paw and cuddled him into me. He roared and moved his head back and forth as the jungle sounds also came out. ED was NOT happy. I pressed IS again and let him do his roar two more times. Then, I set IS down, turned off the lights, and not letting ED have the last word (another hint from the books) said "Roar, ED, Roar" and went to bed.

Wanting a place

I wanted a place where I could be real, be honest about my fight with ED (eating disorder). Probably bits of these posts may also go into the MentorConnect blog, but I also wanted to record some of the more raw things, some of the conversations between ED and I that I may not necessarily be allowed to post on there. So, I took my leopard nickname, and have now created "Leopard Musings." I will say outright that I'm in the beginning stages of Recovery. ED is still loud and in my face and pulling all sorts of tricks, some of them subtle and almost unnoticeable.

I'm learning to separate from ED, who for me, is a bit bipolar. ED, if he had his way, would want me to restrict or binge, none of the gray area stuff that is normal eating. That's what I'm working on. I like the gray stuff. In some ways, you could call me a snow leopard, a mix of the black and white creating something beautiful. ED is also sneaky.

Now I will be honest, ED did at one time serve a purpose, but now he's just in the way. He served as my way of dealing with grief, of dealing with stress, especially post-traumatic stress. Now he's just a PITA (pain in the ass) whose goal is to make my life miserable and keep me from my dreams, like poetry and ministry.

I have a few tools, like art, music, poetry, and embracing the inner child. Inner Jewel has needs as well and I try to listen to her. In fact, I did today. I bought 2 leopard stuffed animals, one that needs caring for, like little Jewel does, and one that's a bit scarier, with a roar and creepy eyes. The one that needs caring for is Little IS (IS = Inner Strength) and the other is IS. Well, today, Little Jewel and I made Little IS a bed so she could be by us at night w/o fearing for her going off (she does make sounds, more kitten-ish sounds). IS can sit in it as well, but just so long as he doesn't go off in the middle of the night (roaring and eyes glowing), I'm fine (IS is okay as long as there are lights on LOL!) We decorated the box with flowers and rainbow colors and leopard spots and of course, Little IS's name. I put my skinny clothes in it so that my inner strength, symbolized by the two leopards, can overcome ED and his wanting to get me back into those clothes.

This blog is already helping me...being able to be as open and honest as I want feels awesome, although this is a PRO-RECOVERY BLOG, same as the one on Mentor Connect, only I don't have to worry about what is or is not allowed and can show at times the rougher side of recovery. In fact, pieces of even this one are going onto MC to help as many folks as I can.