Self-Talk Musings

So the reason for no posts lately has been due to the amount of pain that I'm in. Trigger warning for the last part of this post (see prior to spacing for why). Ok....so I'm a zebra, I'll admit it. I'm an oddity, a rarity. But I don't have to embrace that identity. Unless, of course, you're talking the leopard zebra. THAT I'll embrace. The rarity, the oddity that is strong, stronger than she realizes, with the strength to fight off big cats and yet BE a big cat at the same time! Love....love is stronger than anything....and what did I pick for a pain bear? A teddy bear to bear my pain when I'm out and about or at home and at night when it gets worse? One holding a heart that says "Love." I think my instinct is kicking in again. "Supportive Care" what? Am I on life support? I sometimes feel like I am. Struggling to get by with this pain, to deal with no lower than level 5 pain day and night. I really hope something is found so that I can get relief. If I find out this is just gastroparesis, I'm gonna bawl my fricking eyes out! I'll want a pain management specialist and/or a second opinion for some relief at that point! I don't know how much more of this I can take! The pain has me wanting escape....all kinds of escape...so trigger warning for this post, there is talk of suicidal ideation as I'm being totally honest with my own self-talk musings. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Pain is so intense and there's nothing anyone can do about it. You feel like you're being stabbed anyway, why not just do it? Are you kidding me? Hell NO! I have people who love me, besides, that'll keep me in pain longer! Either it'll delay the test or I'll royally screw up and be in even more pain....again.....HELL NO!!!!! I just want to cry, escape, stop the pain!!!!! Put me in a coma, do something, ANYthing, just STOP the PAIN!!!! Wait....not ANYthing....bad place to be.....bad place to go.....see above.... HELL NO! Leopard Zebra (LZ for short) needs to come out and play for a bit....I'm stronger than I realize. I'm stronger than I think I am.......