Must Stay in the Now

So, I got some pretty disturbing news tonight, but meditation, staying in the now, is helping some. I have to remember to stay in the now. In the now, yes, Grandpa is very ill (cancer), but he's not dead, he's alive. In the now, I can't do anything to help him except for pray. In the now, I can do my homework, I'm hot (it's like 90 in my room), but I'm fine. My mind wants to drag me into the future, into the scary, unknown future. But in the now, in the here and now, none of those scary things has happened. Grandpa's ill, but fine and alive. I'm not having to rush down to Levittown. I'm able to stay at school and do my homework, and take care of myself. In the now, I hear the wind roaring outside and the hiss of the heater. In the now. I did some art therapy tonight to help get me into the now, and then did a bit of meditation with Taize music. In the now, all is well, I must stay in the now!

Digging Vision

So as I was meditating yesterday, I ended up having a bit of a vision. In this vision, I was digging in the sand on the beach from the guided meditation. I was digging several holes, some with my hands, some with my feet (those holes were more awkward to dig than the ones with my hands). I also filled them back up, but it seemed that the only filled up part way.

Maybe that was the sign to stop the inner digging and start filling the holes back up. As I thought about it, I realized that I had dug down about as far as I'm able to go and in several different areas. Yet even if I fill the holes up, it's sand so it's able to be dug down again, but maybe it's telling me that I don't need to, that God will take care of it and maybe fill the holes with something more, since all I can fill it with is sand and dry sand at that. Some of the holes may be messier, and so harder to refill, but I think it's time to rebuild again after years of digging the holes, digging down deep, and yet digging occasionally when it's appropriate, like digging into the meditation, and when I get to it, Step 4 about taking an honest moral inventory of myself.

Meditation Musings

So, in OA we do meditation times and I was in the Meditation meeting and had an interesting experience. I've been feeling lonely, left out, and unsure of my past or my future. Well, as the guided meditation passed, there was some time, after dropping a few things in the God Box, that we had to ourselves, between us and God. I was still feeling the loneliness and the wonder, and had dropped a few things off in the God Box about what had been going on in my mind the past few days. I went and sat on the beach as the leader mentioned, letting the sand of the beach we were at get into my shorts swimsuit, when I felt God in his/her (very much androgynous) presence. We talked for a bit about what had been going on, and then I got challenged to enter the water. I followed God into the water, letting myself feel the sand, the pain of stepping on shells, I went in shallow at first, just God and I, but then dared to go deeper, even looking underneath the water. (Water typically = trouble for me). I saw the beauty underneath the scary waves and as I went to the point where I could not touch bottom and clung to God like an anxious little kid, God showed me the friends, in the form of dolphins. I saw nicola, devyn, ron, chris, madeline, jenny, val, and others. It helped me not feel so alone and writing this is helping to break more isolation again. The meditation was perfect for what I needed and I hope to get to do that more often, even if it means getting up earlier to do it.