Lessons in balance and from Overeaters Anonymous

It's been a while since I've written on here, but that's partially because I've been battling migraine and loneliness lately. ED the whole time has been trying to get me to do this or do that, undereat or overeat. I've fought him off so far, though. Instead of listening to ED, I've read in my OA book, reached out to others (no matter how hard it was to do) including calling at least one person from OA.

OA has been a teacher for sure. The folks there have been so helpful. I've started journaling again, only I call it (as they called it) the letter to God. As part of the journaling I've also started to do 10 gratitudes, which reminds me that no matter how rough or how bleak my day has been, there are always things to be grateful for.

I've started to meditate more often, which started with the one meeting. The meditation can be as simple as just letting the thoughts flow through my mind and not paying attention to them, but paying attention to other things around me as I'm walking. I've gotten great pictures of baby deer and flowers this way and it puts me more at peace, helping to ease tension.

After hearing the definition of abstinent to be abstinent from the compulsive over (or for me over OR under) eating behaviors or anything that would trigger those behaviors and another definition being that abstinent means sticking to the food plan, I've started making a food plan. It really helps me to find that middle ground, and once I find a sponsor, I'll share the food plan with her/him and that'll help keep me accountable. I've also given up chocolate, and although it's hard, with the support of the OA folks, I know I can do it. I need to give it up for my health (migraine) and because it's a huge trigger food that is the most likely to send me into a binge.

Doing the meal plans has been such a blessing. I only do it one day in advance and I do try to think of the food groups, so while I may not be eating necessarily the amount given by the food pyramid, I'm trying my best to come close. I won't be perfect, especially as I'm doing this without a nutritionist, but all I can do is do my best. I do allow for substitutions and migraine is the most common offender for that, since it may mean I have to order in due to not being able to cook, or doing a simple meal instead of a bigger one. Some do meal plans by writing how much of what group they'll do, for me, I write the specific food. It helps guarantee that I'll eat (that and the accountability to the folks of OA). I've spent a few years learning what a normal portion was (with some help from WebMD and other health sites) for eyeballing it, or will go by something like 1-2 bowls of soup is normal.

I've also started reading the dailies in one of the books and used that to ponder over...so often, it ends up being just what I need for that day. Combined with Jenni Schaefer's books, I'm doing a little better.

I guess the key for me is balance, balancing migraine with recovery, balancing meal plans and OA meetings with fun outside. Making me time to meditate, even if it's while on an errand for work, or going to/from work. Journaling even if it's just over the course of a day. Making sure to reach out when I need to, no matter how hard it is. Reading when I need to and sometimes when I don't want to (catching the loneliness chapter in Jenni's book DURING and not after it had passed would have been good, if only I had gone with what I NEEDED to do and read the book). And so my lessons in balance continue....I must remember that GRAY IS OK!

Meditation Musings

So, in OA we do meditation times and I was in the Meditation meeting and had an interesting experience. I've been feeling lonely, left out, and unsure of my past or my future. Well, as the guided meditation passed, there was some time, after dropping a few things in the God Box, that we had to ourselves, between us and God. I was still feeling the loneliness and the wonder, and had dropped a few things off in the God Box about what had been going on in my mind the past few days. I went and sat on the beach as the leader mentioned, letting the sand of the beach we were at get into my shorts swimsuit, when I felt God in his/her (very much androgynous) presence. We talked for a bit about what had been going on, and then I got challenged to enter the water. I followed God into the water, letting myself feel the sand, the pain of stepping on shells, I went in shallow at first, just God and I, but then dared to go deeper, even looking underneath the water. (Water typically = trouble for me). I saw the beauty underneath the scary waves and as I went to the point where I could not touch bottom and clung to God like an anxious little kid, God showed me the friends, in the form of dolphins. I saw nicola, devyn, ron, chris, madeline, jenny, val, and others. It helped me not feel so alone and writing this is helping to break more isolation again. The meditation was perfect for what I needed and I hope to get to do that more often, even if it means getting up earlier to do it.

Big Step

Today I took a pretty big step. For one, I told on ED and his triggers in counseling. It's so freeing to be able to address the stuff and talk it out so that ED cannot get a foot hold. The bigger step was the fact that I called the OA contact person and have decided to go to OA meetings on Sunday nights. I'm a little bit nervous, but I think it's more ED that's nervous than I actually am. The person made me feel at ease by saying "some of us overeat, some of us undereat" that basically describes ED for me. ED's not gonna like it or my going to the Life Beyond ED chat Sunday night. Oh well! He can just take a hike! The biggest step yet will be actually going to the OA meeting! ED better watch out, because despite his being uncomfortable, I'm going!