Last Night's battle

ED was attacking full force last night. He was not happy that I had called the person from OA or that I talked to my counselor. Thankfully, He did not win! Thanks to Thom Rutledge's book about facing fears, Jenni Schaefer's book "Life Without Ed" and Cheryl Kerrigan's book "Telling ED NO!" The tools I learned in these books helped me fight and win last night. I was in the midst of Cheryl's book, so hers was the most influential at the time.

Last night, I had to check a bruise in an odd place. As I looked at my body, ED's voice came back:
"You're fat, Julie, fat and ugly...look at that...why would anyone want that?"

I responded back w/my Body Mantra (THANKS CHERYL!):
(to the tune of "Bye Bye Birdie") "I love my body, oh yes I do, I love my body and I'll be true. When you're not feeling well, I'm blue! Oh body, I love you!"

Ed tried to come back with the fat messaage and the message about nobody wanting me, no one thinking I'm sexy, etc. I just kept replying with the song. I sang it aloud over and over again and even hummed it as I brushed my teeth. I would NOT let ED win!

He was determined, though, and as I finished getting ready for bed (the checking was part of the bedtime routine, I just wanted to see how good or bad it looked). By this time I was fed up with him. I wanted to go to bed and didn't want him invading my dreams (he has before...several times). But, I let him and I talk it out, as is in all three books, I actually verbalized both myself and ED. His voice is so much deeper, reaching into the baritone range, and sinister.

I told him that I wanted nothing to do with him, that yes, he was a help in the past (he was referencing my rough past that caused PTSD and to which, since I had been young, ED was my coping mechanism for....ED had been invading my dreams in reminding me of that past lately), but that he was not welcome. If I had to, I'd go get IS.

Now I had turned the light's out and IS's eyes can be pretty scary, but nonetheless was willing to get IS to roar and chase ED away (he HATES my inner strength and anything that symbolizes it). ED's response: "I dare you"

So I went in, turned on the lights (ED: "Hey! That's cheating!" Me: "No it's not, you just said that you dared me to get and turn on IS, there were no conditions to that.") I got IS, who sleeps on the couch and pressed his paw and cuddled him into me. He roared and moved his head back and forth as the jungle sounds also came out. ED was NOT happy. I pressed IS again and let him do his roar two more times. Then, I set IS down, turned off the lights, and not letting ED have the last word (another hint from the books) said "Roar, ED, Roar" and went to bed.