Wanting a place

I wanted a place where I could be real, be honest about my fight with ED (eating disorder). Probably bits of these posts may also go into the MentorConnect blog, but I also wanted to record some of the more raw things, some of the conversations between ED and I that I may not necessarily be allowed to post on there. So, I took my leopard nickname, and have now created "Leopard Musings." I will say outright that I'm in the beginning stages of Recovery. ED is still loud and in my face and pulling all sorts of tricks, some of them subtle and almost unnoticeable.

I'm learning to separate from ED, who for me, is a bit bipolar. ED, if he had his way, would want me to restrict or binge, none of the gray area stuff that is normal eating. That's what I'm working on. I like the gray stuff. In some ways, you could call me a snow leopard, a mix of the black and white creating something beautiful. ED is also sneaky.

Now I will be honest, ED did at one time serve a purpose, but now he's just in the way. He served as my way of dealing with grief, of dealing with stress, especially post-traumatic stress. Now he's just a PITA (pain in the ass) whose goal is to make my life miserable and keep me from my dreams, like poetry and ministry.

I have a few tools, like art, music, poetry, and embracing the inner child. Inner Jewel has needs as well and I try to listen to her. In fact, I did today. I bought 2 leopard stuffed animals, one that needs caring for, like little Jewel does, and one that's a bit scarier, with a roar and creepy eyes. The one that needs caring for is Little IS (IS = Inner Strength) and the other is IS. Well, today, Little Jewel and I made Little IS a bed so she could be by us at night w/o fearing for her going off (she does make sounds, more kitten-ish sounds). IS can sit in it as well, but just so long as he doesn't go off in the middle of the night (roaring and eyes glowing), I'm fine (IS is okay as long as there are lights on LOL!) We decorated the box with flowers and rainbow colors and leopard spots and of course, Little IS's name. I put my skinny clothes in it so that my inner strength, symbolized by the two leopards, can overcome ED and his wanting to get me back into those clothes.

This blog is already helping me...being able to be as open and honest as I want feels awesome, although this is a PRO-RECOVERY BLOG, same as the one on Mentor Connect, only I don't have to worry about what is or is not allowed and can show at times the rougher side of recovery. In fact, pieces of even this one are going onto MC to help as many folks as I can.