this week's "Resurrection of the Body"

This week was a blast! I had so much fun in the experiential part of the class. We even played a game of dodge-ball! Talk about getting in touch with our bodies and with fun!

We also had to do letters to our bodies. Me and my body, we're learning to trust each other as I am in Recovery from ED. After all, I spent 15 years abusing my poor body by listening to ED. We're starting to learn and trust each other. I am learning, as someone said, "the vocabulary of my body"... what it wants, needs, is saying to me. Tonight, during one of the stretches, it CLEARLY said to me, "Hey, Get back on the PT, will ya!" As my left kneecap moved a bit while kneeling on it. It hurt and I responded and understood that I need to give my body the strengthening it needs. I actually plan on doing so starting tomorrow, no matter what the time is like, I MUST take care of my body and show it that it can trust me. I will then trust it to recover from any diseases that I may encounter along the way here. I have also been trying to give my body the nutrition it wants and it has been so much happier with that so far.

It was kind of neat in class as everyone shared their letters. I will not say anything about anyone's letters (confidentiality), but will say that there was one person in class that if they had been in OA, I would've asked them to be my sponsor, because they had something that I wanted in my Recovery. It was kind of neat though to see that and to know that it IS truly possible!

Another thing I learned through the sharing was the our bodies and how we see our bodies, we each have our own, unique story. There are some commonalities, but how each person viewed and interacted with their body was so unique, so insanely unique and it was wonderful to see both the commonalities and the uniqueness.

So, how do you see your body? What would your letter to your body say?

Taking Recovery One Step further

My friend and I have been talking, we both battle eating disorders. Mine's slightly more under control, however, she pointed out to me that I'm still not getting the right nutrients into me. ED talked back to her a bit, since I was eating after all, and eating right portions, not too much or too little. The problem was that I wasn't eating the right things to give my body the nutrients it needs.

As we talked, I finally said "i guess it's time to take recovery that one step further to not just "ok, i'm eating a proper amount" but the proper food as well." Her response? "yes thank you for having that great thought."

As I read her statement, I realized how right she was. It was a great thought and a recovery thought! Not "I'll just have a multi-vitamin and set another alarm," not "but at least I'm eating!" but a true, kick ED butt recovery thought! It's true as well. I NEED to take recovery one step farther now. I have been eating the right amounts for the most part (a slip here or there, ED being a sneaky brat) for almost 3 months. Now it is time to take Recovery that one step farther. I don't think ED will like it and hopefully I'll get a sponsor, someone to whom I can be accountable for my food to, which will help me take this next step. If I can get to eating proper amounts AND proper food here and have it seem natural, then I feel that I will have hit late recovery and can do steps like daring to see my weight again, to see if it's just a number. I'm actually excited about this now. I think I can do this, no, I KNOW I can! ED, you better watch out, with the help of my friends and OA, we're coming after you!!!

Crazy week

It's been one wild and crazy week! Have not felt well due to asthma, but other than that, this week has been just fine. I terrified ED out of his mind Sunday and again today. OA meetings and being alright with who I am and as I am has been a big help. They all love Little IS, who I've been taking with me to help calm my nerves. ED has been trying his best with his lies, too....telling me that if I just obey him, the asthma will go away.... yeah, right! If I listen to him, the asthma will get worse, not go away, the dumb butt! Am under enough stress that he's hassling me big time, but I have not listened! Or if I have had a little slip, I haven't let it get me down and have come back with recovery. It's involved talking to friends, reaching out, doing art work, changing things up and just having fun as much as possible.

Just had to give an update post...now for a bit more apt cleaning and some reading of Jenni Schaefer!

Big Step

Today I took a pretty big step. For one, I told on ED and his triggers in counseling. It's so freeing to be able to address the stuff and talk it out so that ED cannot get a foot hold. The bigger step was the fact that I called the OA contact person and have decided to go to OA meetings on Sunday nights. I'm a little bit nervous, but I think it's more ED that's nervous than I actually am. The person made me feel at ease by saying "some of us overeat, some of us undereat" that basically describes ED for me. ED's not gonna like it or my going to the Life Beyond ED chat Sunday night. Oh well! He can just take a hike! The biggest step yet will be actually going to the OA meeting! ED better watch out, because despite his being uncomfortable, I'm going!

Wanting a place

I wanted a place where I could be real, be honest about my fight with ED (eating disorder). Probably bits of these posts may also go into the MentorConnect blog, but I also wanted to record some of the more raw things, some of the conversations between ED and I that I may not necessarily be allowed to post on there. So, I took my leopard nickname, and have now created "Leopard Musings." I will say outright that I'm in the beginning stages of Recovery. ED is still loud and in my face and pulling all sorts of tricks, some of them subtle and almost unnoticeable.

I'm learning to separate from ED, who for me, is a bit bipolar. ED, if he had his way, would want me to restrict or binge, none of the gray area stuff that is normal eating. That's what I'm working on. I like the gray stuff. In some ways, you could call me a snow leopard, a mix of the black and white creating something beautiful. ED is also sneaky.

Now I will be honest, ED did at one time serve a purpose, but now he's just in the way. He served as my way of dealing with grief, of dealing with stress, especially post-traumatic stress. Now he's just a PITA (pain in the ass) whose goal is to make my life miserable and keep me from my dreams, like poetry and ministry.

I have a few tools, like art, music, poetry, and embracing the inner child. Inner Jewel has needs as well and I try to listen to her. In fact, I did today. I bought 2 leopard stuffed animals, one that needs caring for, like little Jewel does, and one that's a bit scarier, with a roar and creepy eyes. The one that needs caring for is Little IS (IS = Inner Strength) and the other is IS. Well, today, Little Jewel and I made Little IS a bed so she could be by us at night w/o fearing for her going off (she does make sounds, more kitten-ish sounds). IS can sit in it as well, but just so long as he doesn't go off in the middle of the night (roaring and eyes glowing), I'm fine (IS is okay as long as there are lights on LOL!) We decorated the box with flowers and rainbow colors and leopard spots and of course, Little IS's name. I put my skinny clothes in it so that my inner strength, symbolized by the two leopards, can overcome ED and his wanting to get me back into those clothes.

This blog is already helping me...being able to be as open and honest as I want feels awesome, although this is a PRO-RECOVERY BLOG, same as the one on Mentor Connect, only I don't have to worry about what is or is not allowed and can show at times the rougher side of recovery. In fact, pieces of even this one are going onto MC to help as many folks as I can.