Perfectionism

I've just been reading in Jenni Schaefer's book and was on the section about perfectionism. As I read, I thought about my own past and my own perfectionism. To see me now, to listen to me talk about school work, you would never believe that I have perfectionistic tendencies. I'm fine with homework being "good enough" so long as I have tried my best in a realistic manner. In fact, there have been a few finals (especially last year) where I gave up and said "I'm done, I've done what I can and now I give." It was not perfect, far from, but it was good enough to get me the B or A in the class. Sometimes, even C's have been good enough, or the thought of C's. Ironically, in the classes where I thought that I'd be content with a C, I ended up getting at least a B, because I had done my best, despite it all. In academia, my parents helped me overcome my tendencies, by telling me that as long as I did my best, they didn't care what grade I got. I guess I was working on my perfectionism long before I ever started work on ED.

Relationships are another matter. I'm working on the perfectionistic tendencies there. I still find it hard to disappoint people, to make people mad at me. Every fiber of my being cries out when I do that, but I'm learning. I'm learning that I'm not going to make everyone happy. Some people will be disappointed in me, some people won't like me, and some will get angry at me, even if it's just for a short time. In some ways, an ex-friend is helping me deal with my perfectionism in this area. She cut me off with no warning, no explanation. I usually like explanations for when I've hurt someone so that I can avoid it in the future. The option, however, is not there. I have been blocked from contacting this person. I'm learning to sit with it, to be okay with the fact that I may never know, may never understand, and will never have the perfect relationship with this person. Yes, it's still haunting me, but over time, as I work on my tendencies, it is getting easier. I am learning, as they say in OA, "What people think of me is none of my business." That phrase has actually become a mantra, a reminder when I worry about what people think of me. As long as I'm doing my best and I know it, I'm okay, no matter what others think of me. This may even give me the courage to follow more of my dreams, without worrying about what folks think and just going with the flow.

If I can do it, anyone can. Just remember "What people think of me is none of my buisnesss" and "follow your dreams!"