Photo WRAP

So a WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) is not new to me....I've been creating them for some time. However...I keep coming up with new ideas for them....this time, I kept seeing such good pictures (and printing said pictures) from a support group that I decided to compile them into one spot and create a Photo WRAP....a WRAP made with the photos (saved, then printed from Walmart) from the group! It's portable, easy to look at and read, even when upset, comforting since many of the pictures are meant to be calming and comforting, and so very, very useful! I have advice, wisdom, wise sayings, and affirmations in my photo WRAP. There's concepts from a form of therapy called DBT, mindfulness, and others. All in all, a good album! I'm excited by this new thing and I hope it catches on! I certainly will be looking at it daily (as you're supposed to with a WRAP), after all, it's fun to go through photo albums!

Date Day and Friends and fish

Aaaaah.....today was my date day with Cody. We went shopping while it was safe before the "S-word" came down. Yes, I found a man that actually likes to window shop! It was fun and I got a few needed things and a few wanted things. We chatted the whole time (of course!) and ran into people we knew (another of course!). We got pictures and picture frames and that reminded me of friends......especially as I put the pictures into the frames. Lisa, Barb, Ron....3 friends I rarely get to see right now. It brings a smile to my face to remember the memories. I got pictures of my crochet creations printed and of my fish as well. As I put my fish pictures into their frame, I remembered my first two, Moon and Turq and how they helped me by getting me outside myself. The fish still do that as well as provide comfort and calming presences. It has just been a good day overall, despite the S-word.

Cancer Sucks

Mood Swing Warning....Swung DRASTICALLY from the other 2 posts of the night! Cancer really sucks.....Mom had it since the 2011 post, she's in remission for 4 years. I lost a role model to it last year. Now, I'm losing TWO friends to this horrid, horrid disease! One friend is so terminal that he's on morphine already. I don't want to tell another friend this, but the fact that they've kept him on the morphine for another 2 weeks after they discovered that he's terminal is NOT a good sign....it means he's suffering and the cancer is taking its toll and he doesn't have very long left (which is probably a good thing). Right now my prayer for that particular friend is that God takes him sooner rather than later and that I'll have a funeral to go to....that means he won't be suffering anymore. My second friend is like a sister to me. She had "good" news from the doctor in that the cancer didn't spread as fast as they were expecting it to.....yet it still spread (which for me is the reason for the quotes around the word good). It's in her heart lining and her lungs. Right now with her my goal is to keep her spirits up as much as I can as she prepares to start chemo. I remember what Mom went through and am re-assuring her that some of what they're doing, they do to everyone with chemo. My heart is breaking inside as I watch her deteriorate, yet I put on a brave face for her sake. In some ways I pray that she doesn't get to where my other friend is at. I'd rather go to 2 funerals sooner rather than later than to have either of them suffer. One friend is already suffering, I don't want this second friend to suffer as well. Her cancer is so rare and is indeed spreading......ugh.....to pray for healing or permanent relief.....I don't know......Maybe just for her to just not suffer, whichever way that means for her in God's plan.....yeah.....that's the way. He may have to suffer, so I pray for God to end his suffering, and I ask God that she may not suffer in the way that he has, whichever way (healing or death) that that means. Both of these cause my heart to break, my grief to kick in, my abandonment issues to ramp up. I know it's not their fault, that they don't want to leave me any more than I truly want them to leave me (other than not wanting to see them suffer). It's part of the BPD that I can't control. God, am I going to miss them when they go. I hate cancer, I really do..... *sobs*

"I Love Me" Box

So I was walking through Goodwill on an outing today when I spotted a box which said "I Love You This Much....." and repeated. It was nicely decorated and had a space for a picture on the lid. The idea came to me to take that box and make an "I Love You" or "I Love Me" Box. The idea behind the box is simple. I tend to forget how much I am loved and to love myself. So, in the picture spot, I put a picture of me and 2 of my best friends. Inside the box is a letter to myself telling myself how much I am loved by myself and others and how worthy I am. Also going in the box are affirmations of self-worth of various kinds and other letters to myself that I'll write later to encourage me. The idea is that when I'm down and feeling worthless, I'll remember the box, open it, read what's inside, and remember how much I'm loved. I may ask others to write letters of encouragement to me as well that I'll put in the box (probably after making copies to keep with me in other ways ;) ). Just a neat idea that I wanted to throw out there tonight on top of the update!

Re-Start of Leopard Musings

I almost forgot about this! This was so key for me in seminary and so much has happened since then! I guess, 4 years later, I'll re-start Leopard Musings with this post. With this re-start, I'll update anyone/everyone on what has happened. I am now diagnosed with different mental illnesses, more serious than before..... Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Anxiety, Depression, PTSD, Mood Disorder NOS. I have many physical ailments as well, Polycystic Ovaries (PCOS), Asthma, Gastroparesis, and Migraines. I have crashed and burned many a time with these things, but I refuse to let them define who I am. Hence why instead of making a new blog entirely, I am re-starting this older one. I am no longer working, but am working on getting back on my feet enough to work. Instead, I go to Psych Rehab and counseling and different groups. I live in Supported Living (EVSL) where I am mostly independent, but staff does help in the evenings and on weekends, which tend to be my weakest times. On the plus side, I am learning more and more to feel, am 22 months clean from pain killers (which I didn't realize I was addicted to until my late 2011-2012 breakdown), and am feeling more human now than I ever have. I'm a completely different person from when I was in seminary and that's not a bad thing. I'm getting the help that I have always needed, learning skills that have needed to be learned and were started learning when I was in seminary (mindfulness, anyone.....ahem Charlie?). I still write liturgies and sermons as I am called to, but instead have been mostly working on art and crocheting, which I started at the end of seminary. I now make anything from bags and scarves to dragons and other stuffed animals. It helps me to stay mindful and is a stress reliever. I no longer quite know what I believe, but I believe that God is directing my path and I know that God has not led me astray and will not lead me astray. It's just that the details are fuzzier because of what I have been through combined with what I remember from seminary (almost need another 4 years of seminary to be able to re-articulate what I believe in ways that would get me ordained!) Yet not being ordained is not so bad. I minister in other ways. I am a sponsor and sponsee. I have a plan for a ministry that I can do from a layperson's position...."A Voice for All" where everyone, whether mentally or physically disabled or not, is given a chance and a place to find and express their voice. Forgive me if my picture on here becomes a bit more "anonymous," but as I am publishing some private things and struggles so that others may find solidarity and help, I also need to keep in mind that despite it all, there is stigma out there and I will need to find a job eventually. I pray that the stigma eventually dissipates and I am able to once again use my real picture and info. I will be trying to update this daily if possible, however, as it will become a bit of a journal as I muse about things that have happened and ideas that I've had. The muse is striking again and so the leopard comes around to write her musings down once again ;).

Artful Hope

This is a bit of processing, but in the end has a good message.

In the center of this picture (see above or to the left) is a mess, a mess of emotions, where all the colors blend into each otehr so that no one emotion is identifiable.

Radiating out from that are the emotions that cross through and get into the mess. Anger: red and jagged, Sadness: big and dark blue, Frustration and Loss of hope in the black, Hope in the pink of breast cancer awareness and in the comforting purple and green, the unidentifiable emotions in the brown and gray that are mushed into the pink, Anxiety and Fear streak through the picture in the almost unmushed orange and yellow.

The blue, purple, and red run into each other, connecting in the blue; so sadness, hope and anger mix together on either side of the mess. Gray brown and pink mush together in the pink; the unidentifiable messing with hope. Green, orange and yellow basically do not run into each other; they're more side by side. Hope races alongside fear and anxiety. The black runs through the middle, trying to take over; Hopelessness and frustration trying to rule the day.

Yet hopelessness is outnumbered. Only one color of it, verses 3 for hope (purple, pink, and green).

Maybe I feel more hope than I realize, it's semi-hidden, even in the picture, but it's there. It's mixing in with anger and sadness; it's mixing in with the unidentifiable, and it's running alongside fear and anxiety. Hope is the most abundant emotion! If I can only remember this, things will be better.

Thanks, God, for the urge to create and write. You've reminded me of the hope that's really there....

What do you do?

What do you do when....

there are too many emotions swirling around inside?
you cannot quite name the emotions?
you're stressed out to wazoo?
you're worried about a family member?

Can you...

name some of the emotions?
let yourself feel the mix up of emotion?
not get addicted to a new thing?
let yourself cry?

I wonder if I can do any of those things, writing them out has helped me to see them, now can I just do them! I'm gonna try dang it! I've gotta try, if I don't all it will do is turn into depression. May God hold my mother in his/her hand!