Cancer Sucks

Mood Swing Warning....Swung DRASTICALLY from the other 2 posts of the night! Cancer really sucks.....Mom had it since the 2011 post, she's in remission for 4 years. I lost a role model to it last year. Now, I'm losing TWO friends to this horrid, horrid disease! One friend is so terminal that he's on morphine already. I don't want to tell another friend this, but the fact that they've kept him on the morphine for another 2 weeks after they discovered that he's terminal is NOT a good sign....it means he's suffering and the cancer is taking its toll and he doesn't have very long left (which is probably a good thing). Right now my prayer for that particular friend is that God takes him sooner rather than later and that I'll have a funeral to go to....that means he won't be suffering anymore. My second friend is like a sister to me. She had "good" news from the doctor in that the cancer didn't spread as fast as they were expecting it to.....yet it still spread (which for me is the reason for the quotes around the word good). It's in her heart lining and her lungs. Right now with her my goal is to keep her spirits up as much as I can as she prepares to start chemo. I remember what Mom went through and am re-assuring her that some of what they're doing, they do to everyone with chemo. My heart is breaking inside as I watch her deteriorate, yet I put on a brave face for her sake. In some ways I pray that she doesn't get to where my other friend is at. I'd rather go to 2 funerals sooner rather than later than to have either of them suffer. One friend is already suffering, I don't want this second friend to suffer as well. Her cancer is so rare and is indeed spreading......ugh.....to pray for healing or permanent relief.....I don't know......Maybe just for her to just not suffer, whichever way that means for her in God's plan.....yeah.....that's the way. He may have to suffer, so I pray for God to end his suffering, and I ask God that she may not suffer in the way that he has, whichever way (healing or death) that that means. Both of these cause my heart to break, my grief to kick in, my abandonment issues to ramp up. I know it's not their fault, that they don't want to leave me any more than I truly want them to leave me (other than not wanting to see them suffer). It's part of the BPD that I can't control. God, am I going to miss them when they go. I hate cancer, I really do..... *sobs*