Musings on Doubt, Faith, and 4th Calling

Tonight's songs that popped out at me as I tried to relax to bed were "I Am a Pioneer" from Tenchi Muyo and Mark Miller (With Julian Wamble)'s Heal Us Emmanuel.  Lyrics for Pioneer are below.  I attempted feebly to glean the lyrics word for word for Mark's song, but the meaning is so much more important.....technically for both songs.

I'd been starting to doubt the 4th Calling, wondering, again, if it was real.    Well, just as I'm thinking about this, Pioneer comes on.   I've got to live the life I create inside my head?  to be a Pioneer?  wtf?  so if my Calling is being created inside my head, whether by me or by God, to be a true pioneer, to be true to myself, as the song calls one to do, I have to live that life.   Facing danger.....truth as greatest weapon.....again, my mind goes wtf.  Isn't that what I mused on last night with Jeremiah 1?

I am a Pioneer-

Vocals: Sharyn Scott
Did you know I am a pioneer 
I'm out on a secret mission 
I travel the galaxy and far beyond 

Can't you see that I am I pioneer 
Unlocking the greatest mysteries 
My key is a fearless heart 
So pure and strong 
People laugh when you are a pioneer 
Not walking the straight and narrow 
They tell you the way things are 
They swear you're wrong 

You can't be a hero 
Hiding underneath your bed 
Got to live the life 
You create inside your head 
So I opened the window 
Caught the wind one night 
Now I sail with the birds in their flight 

If you're tired of everything 
Come hitch a ride with me 
You'll cry out with joy 
When you realize you're free 
It's a trip like no other 
For your heart and mind 
Leaving all but the future far behind 

Some will say you're safer here 
Never mind them - be a pioneer! 

Can't you see that you are a pioneer 
Not one of the endless talkers 
Who tell you the same old rules you're heard before 
I can tell that you are a pioneer 
You want to be facing danger 
Not happy to hide your big dreams anymore 
You are a pioneer, the same as me 

[ Guitar Solo ] 

You can't be a hero 
Hiding underneath your bed 
So we'll live the life 
We've created in our heads 
We'll wake up every morning 
In a whole new place 
On a road reaching out into space 

Some will say we're safer here 
Never mind them - we are pioneers 

Hand in hand we'll journey as pioneers 
Unlocking the greatest mysteries 
Don't listen to anyone 
Who says we're wrong 
They can't stop you when you're a pioneer 
For truth is your greatest weapon 
Out there in the cosmos 
Where we both belong 
A place for pioneers 
Like you and me 

Through the ages we well be pioneers 
We'll go out on secret missions 
We'll travel the galaxy and far beyond 
It's our destiny to be pioneers 
We'll always be moving forward 
Our courage is what we will be counting on 
We will be pioneers forevermore


Heal Us Emmanuel.....some of the words I managed to glean....hear our prayer, we wait to feel Your touch.  Faith being feeble, yet plainly trusting Your Word.

Meanings.....We are deep wounded souls, just as the man who cried out "help my unbelief" and the woman in the throng who stole some power for healing, she was so desperate for help.  Both were helped as are we.  You do not send us away unhealed....at least, that is our prayer.  Please don't send us away unhealed.  

This song in many ways is my prayer.....I want to feel God's touch.  I admit, my faith is feeble, yet I am trusting God's word.  I am a wounded soul who is not alone in that and my prayer is for healing for me and for others.  For stigma to be taken away so that we are no longer injured.   Please do not send us way unhealed!

Now to combine the songs.....and I write this as silly songs such as bidi bidi bom bom and the water buffalo song come on and make me laugh.   silly and serious. lol.  doubt and faith.  tis what brings the songs together, the contradictions.    Prior to Pioneer I was doubting, yet in Emmanuel, I found myself in Faith, believing that God would heal.

Now in yet another Song.....I almost hear God's answer to me.....

Be anyone you want to be
Bring to life your fantasies
I want somethin' in return

I want you to burn
Burn for me, baby
Like a candle in my night
Oh, burn, burn for me, burn for me

Are you gonna be a gambler and deal?
Are you gonna be a doctor and heal?
Or go to heaven and touch God's face?

Are you gonna be a dreamer who sleeps?
Are you gonna be a sinner who weeps?
Or an angel under grace?

I'll lay down on your bed of coals
Offer up my heart and soul
But in return

I want you to burn
Burn for me, baby
Like a candle in my night
Oh, burn, burn for me, burn for me

Read more: Jo Dee Messina - Burn Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

Burn....Burn for God....Like a Fire in the pit of my stomach.....like Jeremiah.   Followed (Of Course!) By JDM's "Keep the Faith".....I get it, I get it!  Okay.....time to go study and do the next Blog post....lol. ;)

Musings on 4th Calling with Jeremiah 1

Jeremiah 1 New International Version (NIV) 1 The words of Jeremiah son of Hilkiah, one of the priests at Anathoth in the territory of Benjamin. 2 The word of the Lord came to him in the thirteenth year of the reign of Josiah son of Amon king of Judah, 3 and through the reign of Jehoiakim son of Josiah king of Judah, down to the fifth month of the eleventh year of Zedekiah son of Josiah king of Judah, when the people of Jerusalem went into exile. The Call of Jeremiah 4 The word of the Lord came to me, saying, 5 “Before I formed you in the womb I knew[a] you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”- Jeremiah 1:1-5

 You saw me in Mom's womb? You knew all these issues, and yet you still called me to speak? WTF? I'm disabled, young, yeah, I got the schooling you called me to, but I can't use it, can I? Why me? I'm from a small nowhere town, living in another small nowhere town. Yeah, I know I'm a pastor's grandkid and niece, but still....and Yet you're telling me I'm called to fight stigma? STIGMA?

 6 “Alas, Sovereign Lord,” I said, “I do not know how to speak; I am too young.” 7 But the Lord said to me, “Do not say, ‘I am too young.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. 8 Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the Lord. 9 Then the Lord reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, “I have put my words in your mouth. 10 See, today I appoint you over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant.”- Jeremiah 1:6-10

 See? Jeremiah spoke back to ya, too! I'm not the only one thinking you're a bit crazy for calling me! He thought you were crazy for calling him, too! And yet.....and yet.....you're talking back to both of us....don't be afraid of what others think. Ignore the stigma? You know I'm going to be called "Crazy, Insane, Delusional, etc," right? *re-reads passage and sighs* I cannot deny you....you say "do not be afraid of them for I am with you and will rescue you." So even if I end up in State because I listen to You, You'll be with me and will get me out of there? Well.....Alright.....I'm trusting You! I may not know now what words you have put into my mouth, other than that which I feel compelled to type, to get out into the open, my own feelings and instincts, but I trust you.

 11 The word of the Lord came to me: “What do you see, Jeremiah?” “I see the branch of an almond tree,” I replied. 12 The Lord said to me, “You have seen correctly, for I am watching[b] to see that my word is fulfilled.” 13 The word of the Lord came to me again: “What do you see?” “I see a pot that is boiling,” I answered. “It is tilting toward us from the north.” 14 The Lord said to me, “From the north disaster will be poured out on all who live in the land. 15 I am about to summon all the peoples of the northern kingdoms,” declares the Lord. “Their kings will come and set up their thrones in the entrance of the gates of Jerusalem; they will come against all her surrounding walls and against all the towns of Judah. 16 I will pronounce my judgments on my people because of their wickedness in forsaking me, in burning incense to other gods and in worshiping what their hands have made."- Jeremiah 1:11-16

 Here I see the cultural context....yet maybe that is what I WANT to see....let me look closer.... I still see cultural context....a warning to the kingdoms because they had forsaken God and they would be punished by people that God had called to punish them. God was also watching, making sure that what God had in mind would come into fruition, one way or another. There, the God is watching part, I can see meshing with with Calling I was given tonight.....yet the other part is harder to figure out. In some ways, people have forsaken God by forsaking those with mental illness and giving them that stigma. Bringing in an outside source, Jesus says "That which you do unto the least of these, you do unto me." (paraphrase Matthew 25:31-46) and in some beliefs that goes along with doing unto God then as well. I don't know what the "punishment" will be, or if it will just be the shame at the realization of what they have been doing to God via "the least of these." Shame can be punishment enough, let me tell ya. Jokes, Memes, etc....all those are a form of shaming....all of those come from others. Maybe that's the punishment from others that is coming. I'm not sure, but I do hope that people realize and stop the stigma. It hurts other people and so in hurting people, it hurts God as well!

17 “Get yourself ready! Stand up and say to them whatever I command you. Do not be terrified by them, or I will terrify you before them. 18 Today I have made you a fortified city, an iron pillar and a bronze wall to stand against the whole land—against the kings of Judah, its officials, its priests and the people of the land. 19 They will fight against you but will not overcome you, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the Lord. Footnotes: Jeremiah 1:5 Or chose Jeremiah 1:12 The Hebrew for watching sounds like the Hebrew for almond tree.- Jeremiah 1:17-18+footnotes mentioned in above passages

 Get myself ready? Really? Alrighty......I don't want to be terrified before the people, so I guess I better get ready to trust You more so that I'm not terrified by them. I'm trusting that what you say will come true, that no matter what happens, you are with me, that I truly am the leopard that you have been making me to be......stronger than I think I am, stronger than I realize that I am and that although the Lions may come against me, I will have You as a tree to climb and get rescued by.

Stigma and 4th Calling

So today's been an interesting and rough day as I have battled an inner battle against what I called a delusion, thinking that others would think so and stigmatize me. You know what I was really battling? Stigma! I was battling what I thought others would think of my thoughts! Well, no more! What I had been calling "delusion" others would call Calling! My proof came as God talked to me in different ways....as I took care of myself and journalled.... "Why? Why do I feel so trapped? Why are my moods swinging wildly? Even in my dreams, I'm captive. Trying to free myself and others, yet still held captive (by stigma maybe?) I crave my mind stories, yet I know there again I'll eventually or at one point, be a captive. Elsa... Draw the Circle Wide.....it needs to widen, to free the captive like me. To free those who live in fear of stigma. We Shall Not Give Up the Fight-->We'll have victory together. I may feel trapped...alone...but I'm not. There are others willing to fight alongside me. *Looks up as next song "It's On" goes on playlist* ALRIGHT! I GET IT! The "delusion" is not so much delusion, but the fear of stigma is real. It's time to stand up and fight that. That's my Calling. God is speaking via music instead of thoughts, proving to me that God has called me. "Who's Crying Now?" Devil be crying now! Jeremiah Julie has answered "Yes, Lord." and I feel better for it!" I plan on studying Jeremiah some more, as Jeremiah is my favorite prophet and while in the hospital recently, I had a chaplain tell me that she could see me being like Jeremiah. There will be rough times, there will be times I want to give up, but hopefully I can come back to this post and remember my 4th Calling. Alright, God, I'm going....I'm going to fight stigma for your people who are oppressed by this evil. Who's with me?

Musings on Anger

Learning that it's okay to be and how to be angry.....interesting......learning how to express it appropriately so no one gets seriously hurt.....super important and even more interesting! I apologize to any "casualties," but I really am trying hard to learn! Just as kittens learn to sheath and let out their claws at right moments, so is this leopardess learning to do the same.....just that sometimes the innocent may get poked (hopefully not too hard). So I've been angry a LOT lately. It's been interesting to see my own reaction and to experience being angry, truly angry for the first time. I've let myself feel the anger, let it boil and then try to figure out the right things to do with it. Most often those things have either been outright confronting the person, venting, or doing something physical, or a combination of all of those. I've discovered that setting goals and accomplishing them is a very helpful way to deal with anger. It may not make the situation that made me angry better, but it still makes me feel better. Physical labor goals are even better.....cleaning my room has been a Godsend! Not only has it helped me get others off my back, but it has made me feel accomplished, and the physical labor wears out some of the anger energy. I have found myself wanting to walk....whether around the block (impossible due to the cold) or around a store or just SOMEWHERE! Again, instinct kicking in to get rid of the anger's extra energy. Venting.....cursing, yelling, griping, etc.....is a good add-on to the physical. It gets the problem out into the open. Oftentimes, having my anger validated will lessen it, or the person I'm venting to will have a new perspective on what's going on. Either way, the anger energy is lessened and released. When combined with something physical, this just about does the ultimate release. There have been times where even that does not work to release the energy, the tension, building in my body. The only way to get rid of it is to confront the person that I'm angry at. Ideally, this is done in a nice way (like after I've vented or whatnot), but sometimes nice just gets me angrier at the person. I'm still polite, but the anger boils inside and the only way to release is to say my peace/piece and leave (which will hopefully happen this week in 2 cases of this kind of anger). As mentioned in the status above, I'm prayerful about casualties of my anger. I told one friend (whom I was mad at) that I was mad at the world and didn't really want to talk-talk for fear that I would hurt him (texting hurt more.....so we ended up talking anyway). I just hope and pray that my baby claws don't poke anyone too hard. Well, even writing this blog has been good for me and my anger and so I shall say my goodnights.....

Angry Rant on So-Called Doctors

Angry Rant Blog..... So F-ing sick of lies from so-called "doctors" who don't care about anything but their reputations or money or whatnot! I go suicidal, get help, and find out that I've had serotonin syndrome (aka too much serotonin in my system) for the past several months. NO ONE noticed, except my friends/family who were worried about the jaw thing! I just spent thousands of taxpayer dollars on tests, er trips, etc for abdominal pain that I'm also pretty sure was serotonin syndrome! It took an out of county doctor 5 mins to figure this out....what is wrong with this picture? So I give my psych doc a second chance, asking her to decrease my prozac even more to finish dropping serotonin back to where it should be.....she says "Sure, I'll call/fax in the prescription to the pharmacy and to your house." What never gets done? Yep....you guessed it! AND she's not in the office again until MONDAY.....I'm supposed to see her for the last time on Wednesday....how convenient.....BS! She wanted to save her reputation and get money from me on Weds....guess what's NOT going to happen now....because this is BULLSHIT! She claims she never saw the "jaw thing"---another lie. NO ONE missed that thing! NO ONE! I'm almost homicidal with rage right now. Ok....breathe....calm......still angry, just not quite as bad.....but still....can ya blame me? Ok....getting this out has been good for me....still....NEVER go to PSU Psych Clinic for psychiatry.....counseling and assessment, sure, but not psych doctoring. They don't care!

Self-Talk Musings

So the reason for no posts lately has been due to the amount of pain that I'm in. Trigger warning for the last part of this post (see prior to spacing for why). Ok....so I'm a zebra, I'll admit it. I'm an oddity, a rarity. But I don't have to embrace that identity. Unless, of course, you're talking the leopard zebra. THAT I'll embrace. The rarity, the oddity that is strong, stronger than she realizes, with the strength to fight off big cats and yet BE a big cat at the same time! Love....love is stronger than anything....and what did I pick for a pain bear? A teddy bear to bear my pain when I'm out and about or at home and at night when it gets worse? One holding a heart that says "Love." I think my instinct is kicking in again. "Supportive Care" what? Am I on life support? I sometimes feel like I am. Struggling to get by with this pain, to deal with no lower than level 5 pain day and night. I really hope something is found so that I can get relief. If I find out this is just gastroparesis, I'm gonna bawl my fricking eyes out! I'll want a pain management specialist and/or a second opinion for some relief at that point! I don't know how much more of this I can take! The pain has me wanting escape....all kinds of escape...so trigger warning for this post, there is talk of suicidal ideation as I'm being totally honest with my own self-talk musings. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Pain is so intense and there's nothing anyone can do about it. You feel like you're being stabbed anyway, why not just do it? Are you kidding me? Hell NO! I have people who love me, besides, that'll keep me in pain longer! Either it'll delay the test or I'll royally screw up and be in even more pain....again.....HELL NO!!!!! I just want to cry, escape, stop the pain!!!!! Put me in a coma, do something, ANYthing, just STOP the PAIN!!!! Wait....not ANYthing....bad place to be.....bad place to go.....see above.... HELL NO! Leopard Zebra (LZ for short) needs to come out and play for a bit....I'm stronger than I realize. I'm stronger than I think I am.......

Relationships, BPD, Fear, and Abandonment

Oh my....I just have to get this out. I'm afraid, so terribly afraid. And yet, because of the fear, I'M the one doing the very thing I'm afraid of! I'm afraid of abandonment, of being hurt. I'm afraid that if I tell Cody the truth about some of his faults that drive me nuts, that he'll leave me, so I pull back. Yet my own pulling back is likely to bring about the very abandonment that I fear! This is my BPD gone wild. I'm so afraid, so scared. I love him so much and don't want to lose him, yet haven't contacted him in like a week. i'm afraid to. I'm afraid to get too close, that he'll hurt me if I do. AGH! BPD needs to go away, leave my relationship alone! Yet, it's there, it's a part of me, so it's there. I just.....I don't know what to do. I'll post this in my one group and just pray that they can help me out because, like Elsa, fear is my enemy, and fear is winning!