Musings on Ministry and Mental Illness

What's so wrong about a Pastor with a mental health issue? What if....what if....what if I really WERE called to ORDAINED ministry, just as I am, BPD, depression, anxiety, and all? Would I be accepted in my low times? My high times? My anxious times? What's wrong with being HUMAN?!? What's wroong with including many in the running of the church so that if the mental illness acts up in the pastor it still runs? Come to think of it, can't this be applied to folks with IDD's as well? Can't ALL those with disabilities be pastors? And if not, why not? Can't God speak through these people as well? My MH Peers agree! Why the stigma in the church? Why is it so insanely great? Shouldn't the church be one of the MOST understanding places and NOT one of the LEAST understanding? Hrm....what if I AM still called to ordained ministry? How do I break the barriers? How do I bust the stigma? Do I apply for the disability and then work towards that goal and accept the $100K back IF I get ordained? OR Do I just accept the permanent and total disability and volunteer in this manner and promote others getting ordained, making someone else's ordination my life's goal? Something for me to think and pray about....and see what the doctor says on Monday (or whenever I see him....stupid weather).

Get out of Jail Free Card?

I'm so happy right now.....I may have found my way out of my school loans w/o having to go on total and permanent disability. Because of my BPD, I'm ineligible to become a Pastor (or Chaplain!) in either the UMC or the UCC, heck, my depression and anxiety are severe enough alone to make me ineligible.....hence, false certification can possibly be applied and my loans dismissed. If I cannot be ordained, then what they trained me for is moot point and the loans were taken out on false pretenses (although semi not known at the time). I can't wait until 8am to call Navient and talk to them about this! I didn't know this was an option until just now! I can still try to work part time DESPITE the BPD and EDS and other issues AND be debt free! If I get this, you'll see me doing virtual cartwheels on here........ I mean, yeah, I can do sermons, and liturgies, but that's only PART of a pastor or chaplain's job.....mentally, I cannot do what I'm supposed to do due to the BPD, depression and anxiety. On top of that, no denomination is going to ordain me with my physical and mental issues. I went to school to be ordained, dang it! This could be my "get out of jail free" card, where I can work towards a goal of working (granted not in ministry, but then again, as previously mentioned, this is an impossibility....hence the reason for the loan discharge!), but still be free from over $100K in debt! Why I was allowed to wrack that up when it was obvious that I was so ill is beyond me, but that's more fodder for the discharge. 8am on 1/30/15 can't come soon enough.....I'm calling Navient and talking to them about this possibility that no one ever mentioned!

zebra stripes and leopard spots

So out of sheer boredom and inspiration, I figured out something to do today. Those with EDS are known as medical "zebras" (rarities) and I've always considered myself a "leopard" (a sign of strength......turning a weakness (tinea versicolor.....what would be considered leprosy in Bible times) into a strength (leopards are strong, agile, and powerful)). So I created a painting combining leopard spots and zebra stripes! I may be a zebra, but I'm also strong, dang it!

Addiction Musings

The more I think about my diagnosis vs "addiction" to pain killers.....I used to say that I was a pain killer addict from the age of 8.....now.....now I'm not so sure. Because if I'm truly honest with myself, I have chronic joint pain (knees, ankles, wrists, back, right elbow where a nerve was pinched.....shoulders.....basically everything that I've ever sprained/strained).....I've just gotten so used to the pain and so dissociated from it that it doesn't bother me as much any more unless I do allow myself to fully ground, then it goes from a 1-2 level to a 4-5. Granted, narcotics are a good thing to still stay away from, but am I truly addicted, or was I seeking relief from legit pain due to things due to the EDS? Or was it a combo of both, seeking relief got me hooked in RECENT years (as in 2-3 prior to getting clean approx 2 years ago). I'm so confused now! Narcotics are just for short term pain relief......should I be looking into something for longer term? But if the dissociation is working, why mess with a good thing.....I just....I don't know! Am I an addict? Am I not? 12 Step work has been good for me regardless, but am I labeling myself something that I'm not? So so so so so so so confused!

Swinging

So the EDS diagnosis is sinking in and as it does, my mood is doing loop-de-loops! Doesn't help when a Peer triggers me something awful as well. Yet I'm making it through this! I'm doing this! I may be swinging like crazy, from depressed and even suicidal to happy and content, but I'm handling myself and trying not to hurt anyone despite it all. Maybe I just need a shower, some tea, and a movie, besides having my positive music on. The swinging isn't fun, but it's part of BPD and I know it. It's also part of learning you have a chronic, life-long condition that you can only manage. I just pray that I continue to manage it instead of it managing me as I get older! I think Mom has it as well and think that Gram Bill did have it....and again, want to be like them....managing it instead of it managing me, even if doing so instinctively. For now, just dealing with the BPD is enough until Monday when I start PT for the EDS.

Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome

So I have an explanation for all the physical problems that I've had and been having.....Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (EDS). I have type III, or hypermobility type. Asthma is a symptom, as is gastroparesis, all the sprains, strains, patello-femoral syndrome, the works are part of it. Turns out, what I've been doing already are what I should be doing, just add on some physical therapy to add on some core strengthening and some extremity joint strengthening. Glad I at least have an explanation and glad that I've instinctively been taking care of myself in the right ways. I guess I really can trust my instincts when it comes to me, which is kinda cool. So much to learn and so much to teach now! Looking forward to the days to come!

Photo WRAP

So a WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) is not new to me....I've been creating them for some time. However...I keep coming up with new ideas for them....this time, I kept seeing such good pictures (and printing said pictures) from a support group that I decided to compile them into one spot and create a Photo WRAP....a WRAP made with the photos (saved, then printed from Walmart) from the group! It's portable, easy to look at and read, even when upset, comforting since many of the pictures are meant to be calming and comforting, and so very, very useful! I have advice, wisdom, wise sayings, and affirmations in my photo WRAP. There's concepts from a form of therapy called DBT, mindfulness, and others. All in all, a good album! I'm excited by this new thing and I hope it catches on! I certainly will be looking at it daily (as you're supposed to with a WRAP), after all, it's fun to go through photo albums!

Date Day and Friends and fish

Aaaaah.....today was my date day with Cody. We went shopping while it was safe before the "S-word" came down. Yes, I found a man that actually likes to window shop! It was fun and I got a few needed things and a few wanted things. We chatted the whole time (of course!) and ran into people we knew (another of course!). We got pictures and picture frames and that reminded me of friends......especially as I put the pictures into the frames. Lisa, Barb, Ron....3 friends I rarely get to see right now. It brings a smile to my face to remember the memories. I got pictures of my crochet creations printed and of my fish as well. As I put my fish pictures into their frame, I remembered my first two, Moon and Turq and how they helped me by getting me outside myself. The fish still do that as well as provide comfort and calming presences. It has just been a good day overall, despite the S-word.

Cancer Sucks

Mood Swing Warning....Swung DRASTICALLY from the other 2 posts of the night! Cancer really sucks.....Mom had it since the 2011 post, she's in remission for 4 years. I lost a role model to it last year. Now, I'm losing TWO friends to this horrid, horrid disease! One friend is so terminal that he's on morphine already. I don't want to tell another friend this, but the fact that they've kept him on the morphine for another 2 weeks after they discovered that he's terminal is NOT a good sign....it means he's suffering and the cancer is taking its toll and he doesn't have very long left (which is probably a good thing). Right now my prayer for that particular friend is that God takes him sooner rather than later and that I'll have a funeral to go to....that means he won't be suffering anymore. My second friend is like a sister to me. She had "good" news from the doctor in that the cancer didn't spread as fast as they were expecting it to.....yet it still spread (which for me is the reason for the quotes around the word good). It's in her heart lining and her lungs. Right now with her my goal is to keep her spirits up as much as I can as she prepares to start chemo. I remember what Mom went through and am re-assuring her that some of what they're doing, they do to everyone with chemo. My heart is breaking inside as I watch her deteriorate, yet I put on a brave face for her sake. In some ways I pray that she doesn't get to where my other friend is at. I'd rather go to 2 funerals sooner rather than later than to have either of them suffer. One friend is already suffering, I don't want this second friend to suffer as well. Her cancer is so rare and is indeed spreading......ugh.....to pray for healing or permanent relief.....I don't know......Maybe just for her to just not suffer, whichever way that means for her in God's plan.....yeah.....that's the way. He may have to suffer, so I pray for God to end his suffering, and I ask God that she may not suffer in the way that he has, whichever way (healing or death) that that means. Both of these cause my heart to break, my grief to kick in, my abandonment issues to ramp up. I know it's not their fault, that they don't want to leave me any more than I truly want them to leave me (other than not wanting to see them suffer). It's part of the BPD that I can't control. God, am I going to miss them when they go. I hate cancer, I really do..... *sobs*

"I Love Me" Box

So I was walking through Goodwill on an outing today when I spotted a box which said "I Love You This Much....." and repeated. It was nicely decorated and had a space for a picture on the lid. The idea came to me to take that box and make an "I Love You" or "I Love Me" Box. The idea behind the box is simple. I tend to forget how much I am loved and to love myself. So, in the picture spot, I put a picture of me and 2 of my best friends. Inside the box is a letter to myself telling myself how much I am loved by myself and others and how worthy I am. Also going in the box are affirmations of self-worth of various kinds and other letters to myself that I'll write later to encourage me. The idea is that when I'm down and feeling worthless, I'll remember the box, open it, read what's inside, and remember how much I'm loved. I may ask others to write letters of encouragement to me as well that I'll put in the box (probably after making copies to keep with me in other ways ;) ). Just a neat idea that I wanted to throw out there tonight on top of the update!

Re-Start of Leopard Musings

I almost forgot about this! This was so key for me in seminary and so much has happened since then! I guess, 4 years later, I'll re-start Leopard Musings with this post. With this re-start, I'll update anyone/everyone on what has happened. I am now diagnosed with different mental illnesses, more serious than before..... Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Anxiety, Depression, PTSD, Mood Disorder NOS. I have many physical ailments as well, Polycystic Ovaries (PCOS), Asthma, Gastroparesis, and Migraines. I have crashed and burned many a time with these things, but I refuse to let them define who I am. Hence why instead of making a new blog entirely, I am re-starting this older one. I am no longer working, but am working on getting back on my feet enough to work. Instead, I go to Psych Rehab and counseling and different groups. I live in Supported Living (EVSL) where I am mostly independent, but staff does help in the evenings and on weekends, which tend to be my weakest times. On the plus side, I am learning more and more to feel, am 22 months clean from pain killers (which I didn't realize I was addicted to until my late 2011-2012 breakdown), and am feeling more human now than I ever have. I'm a completely different person from when I was in seminary and that's not a bad thing. I'm getting the help that I have always needed, learning skills that have needed to be learned and were started learning when I was in seminary (mindfulness, anyone.....ahem Charlie?). I still write liturgies and sermons as I am called to, but instead have been mostly working on art and crocheting, which I started at the end of seminary. I now make anything from bags and scarves to dragons and other stuffed animals. It helps me to stay mindful and is a stress reliever. I no longer quite know what I believe, but I believe that God is directing my path and I know that God has not led me astray and will not lead me astray. It's just that the details are fuzzier because of what I have been through combined with what I remember from seminary (almost need another 4 years of seminary to be able to re-articulate what I believe in ways that would get me ordained!) Yet not being ordained is not so bad. I minister in other ways. I am a sponsor and sponsee. I have a plan for a ministry that I can do from a layperson's position...."A Voice for All" where everyone, whether mentally or physically disabled or not, is given a chance and a place to find and express their voice. Forgive me if my picture on here becomes a bit more "anonymous," but as I am publishing some private things and struggles so that others may find solidarity and help, I also need to keep in mind that despite it all, there is stigma out there and I will need to find a job eventually. I pray that the stigma eventually dissipates and I am able to once again use my real picture and info. I will be trying to update this daily if possible, however, as it will become a bit of a journal as I muse about things that have happened and ideas that I've had. The muse is striking again and so the leopard comes around to write her musings down once again ;).