Lessons from "Resurrection of the Body" class 1

So I'm in a new class, a wonderful, connecting, helpful class. We got some of what I consider meditation: centering, grounding, tai-chi type of things. There was aroma therapy throughout class as well as some getting to know each other time. There was so much taught in just that little bit of class.

The first lesson was being love finders vs being fault finders (from attitudinal healing principles) How about we do this for the body? We find parts of our bodies to love rather than parts of our bodies to find fault. It's hard, but it's a good thing to try to do and something that we can apply.

The second lesson (also from the principles) was to focus on the whole instead of focusing on the fragments. We can focus on overall recovery instead of focusing on the slips or setbacks in recovery. From my own experience, I have chosen to focus on the Recovery and still say I've been in Recovery for 3 months, and that's despite a known slip or two. I am choosing to focus on the whole instead of focusing on the fragments, which puts me in Recovery and puts down what ED is trying to tell me ("Focus on the slips, you're not in Recovery"). Instead it reaffirms that I am in Recovery and helps me tell ED to shove off!

Taking Recovery One Step further

My friend and I have been talking, we both battle eating disorders. Mine's slightly more under control, however, she pointed out to me that I'm still not getting the right nutrients into me. ED talked back to her a bit, since I was eating after all, and eating right portions, not too much or too little. The problem was that I wasn't eating the right things to give my body the nutrients it needs.

As we talked, I finally said "i guess it's time to take recovery that one step further to not just "ok, i'm eating a proper amount" but the proper food as well." Her response? "yes thank you for having that great thought."

As I read her statement, I realized how right she was. It was a great thought and a recovery thought! Not "I'll just have a multi-vitamin and set another alarm," not "but at least I'm eating!" but a true, kick ED butt recovery thought! It's true as well. I NEED to take recovery one step farther now. I have been eating the right amounts for the most part (a slip here or there, ED being a sneaky brat) for almost 3 months. Now it is time to take Recovery that one step farther. I don't think ED will like it and hopefully I'll get a sponsor, someone to whom I can be accountable for my food to, which will help me take this next step. If I can get to eating proper amounts AND proper food here and have it seem natural, then I feel that I will have hit late recovery and can do steps like daring to see my weight again, to see if it's just a number. I'm actually excited about this now. I think I can do this, no, I KNOW I can! ED, you better watch out, with the help of my friends and OA, we're coming after you!!!

Digging Vision

So as I was meditating yesterday, I ended up having a bit of a vision. In this vision, I was digging in the sand on the beach from the guided meditation. I was digging several holes, some with my hands, some with my feet (those holes were more awkward to dig than the ones with my hands). I also filled them back up, but it seemed that the only filled up part way.

Maybe that was the sign to stop the inner digging and start filling the holes back up. As I thought about it, I realized that I had dug down about as far as I'm able to go and in several different areas. Yet even if I fill the holes up, it's sand so it's able to be dug down again, but maybe it's telling me that I don't need to, that God will take care of it and maybe fill the holes with something more, since all I can fill it with is sand and dry sand at that. Some of the holes may be messier, and so harder to refill, but I think it's time to rebuild again after years of digging the holes, digging down deep, and yet digging occasionally when it's appropriate, like digging into the meditation, and when I get to it, Step 4 about taking an honest moral inventory of myself.

Mindfulness

Since I've been meditating every day on my walks to/from work and during errand runs, I've noticed myself becoming more mindful and noticing things that I never noticed before. I actually caught pictures of a Monarch butterfly today on the way to work, and even before I left for work, I noticed a broken window that I had never noticed before. I have no clue how long it was there, but I'm glad I caught it before winter comes again, since that could be one reason my room was so cold last winter. This mindfulness is really neat and I'm loving it. I'm even loving meditation to the point that I wanted originally to drive to work, but then changed my mind because I wanted to meditate on the walk there. I'll pick up the car on the way home for the reason I wanted to drive to work. If I hadn't chosen to walk, I would've never seen the butterfly. If I hadn't been mindful and paying attention to what's around me, I also would not have seen it. Sometimes, meditation and the results of it can be beautiful!

Perfectionism

I've just been reading in Jenni Schaefer's book and was on the section about perfectionism. As I read, I thought about my own past and my own perfectionism. To see me now, to listen to me talk about school work, you would never believe that I have perfectionistic tendencies. I'm fine with homework being "good enough" so long as I have tried my best in a realistic manner. In fact, there have been a few finals (especially last year) where I gave up and said "I'm done, I've done what I can and now I give." It was not perfect, far from, but it was good enough to get me the B or A in the class. Sometimes, even C's have been good enough, or the thought of C's. Ironically, in the classes where I thought that I'd be content with a C, I ended up getting at least a B, because I had done my best, despite it all. In academia, my parents helped me overcome my tendencies, by telling me that as long as I did my best, they didn't care what grade I got. I guess I was working on my perfectionism long before I ever started work on ED.

Relationships are another matter. I'm working on the perfectionistic tendencies there. I still find it hard to disappoint people, to make people mad at me. Every fiber of my being cries out when I do that, but I'm learning. I'm learning that I'm not going to make everyone happy. Some people will be disappointed in me, some people won't like me, and some will get angry at me, even if it's just for a short time. In some ways, an ex-friend is helping me deal with my perfectionism in this area. She cut me off with no warning, no explanation. I usually like explanations for when I've hurt someone so that I can avoid it in the future. The option, however, is not there. I have been blocked from contacting this person. I'm learning to sit with it, to be okay with the fact that I may never know, may never understand, and will never have the perfect relationship with this person. Yes, it's still haunting me, but over time, as I work on my tendencies, it is getting easier. I am learning, as they say in OA, "What people think of me is none of my business." That phrase has actually become a mantra, a reminder when I worry about what people think of me. As long as I'm doing my best and I know it, I'm okay, no matter what others think of me. This may even give me the courage to follow more of my dreams, without worrying about what folks think and just going with the flow.

If I can do it, anyone can. Just remember "What people think of me is none of my buisnesss" and "follow your dreams!"

Lessons in balance and from Overeaters Anonymous

It's been a while since I've written on here, but that's partially because I've been battling migraine and loneliness lately. ED the whole time has been trying to get me to do this or do that, undereat or overeat. I've fought him off so far, though. Instead of listening to ED, I've read in my OA book, reached out to others (no matter how hard it was to do) including calling at least one person from OA.

OA has been a teacher for sure. The folks there have been so helpful. I've started journaling again, only I call it (as they called it) the letter to God. As part of the journaling I've also started to do 10 gratitudes, which reminds me that no matter how rough or how bleak my day has been, there are always things to be grateful for.

I've started to meditate more often, which started with the one meeting. The meditation can be as simple as just letting the thoughts flow through my mind and not paying attention to them, but paying attention to other things around me as I'm walking. I've gotten great pictures of baby deer and flowers this way and it puts me more at peace, helping to ease tension.

After hearing the definition of abstinent to be abstinent from the compulsive over (or for me over OR under) eating behaviors or anything that would trigger those behaviors and another definition being that abstinent means sticking to the food plan, I've started making a food plan. It really helps me to find that middle ground, and once I find a sponsor, I'll share the food plan with her/him and that'll help keep me accountable. I've also given up chocolate, and although it's hard, with the support of the OA folks, I know I can do it. I need to give it up for my health (migraine) and because it's a huge trigger food that is the most likely to send me into a binge.

Doing the meal plans has been such a blessing. I only do it one day in advance and I do try to think of the food groups, so while I may not be eating necessarily the amount given by the food pyramid, I'm trying my best to come close. I won't be perfect, especially as I'm doing this without a nutritionist, but all I can do is do my best. I do allow for substitutions and migraine is the most common offender for that, since it may mean I have to order in due to not being able to cook, or doing a simple meal instead of a bigger one. Some do meal plans by writing how much of what group they'll do, for me, I write the specific food. It helps guarantee that I'll eat (that and the accountability to the folks of OA). I've spent a few years learning what a normal portion was (with some help from WebMD and other health sites) for eyeballing it, or will go by something like 1-2 bowls of soup is normal.

I've also started reading the dailies in one of the books and used that to ponder over...so often, it ends up being just what I need for that day. Combined with Jenni Schaefer's books, I'm doing a little better.

I guess the key for me is balance, balancing migraine with recovery, balancing meal plans and OA meetings with fun outside. Making me time to meditate, even if it's while on an errand for work, or going to/from work. Journaling even if it's just over the course of a day. Making sure to reach out when I need to, no matter how hard it is. Reading when I need to and sometimes when I don't want to (catching the loneliness chapter in Jenni's book DURING and not after it had passed would have been good, if only I had gone with what I NEEDED to do and read the book). And so my lessons in balance continue....I must remember that GRAY IS OK!