Meditation Musings

So, in OA we do meditation times and I was in the Meditation meeting and had an interesting experience. I've been feeling lonely, left out, and unsure of my past or my future. Well, as the guided meditation passed, there was some time, after dropping a few things in the God Box, that we had to ourselves, between us and God. I was still feeling the loneliness and the wonder, and had dropped a few things off in the God Box about what had been going on in my mind the past few days. I went and sat on the beach as the leader mentioned, letting the sand of the beach we were at get into my shorts swimsuit, when I felt God in his/her (very much androgynous) presence. We talked for a bit about what had been going on, and then I got challenged to enter the water. I followed God into the water, letting myself feel the sand, the pain of stepping on shells, I went in shallow at first, just God and I, but then dared to go deeper, even looking underneath the water. (Water typically = trouble for me). I saw the beauty underneath the scary waves and as I went to the point where I could not touch bottom and clung to God like an anxious little kid, God showed me the friends, in the form of dolphins. I saw nicola, devyn, ron, chris, madeline, jenny, val, and others. It helped me not feel so alone and writing this is helping to break more isolation again. The meditation was perfect for what I needed and I hope to get to do that more often, even if it means getting up earlier to do it.

Crazy week

It's been one wild and crazy week! Have not felt well due to asthma, but other than that, this week has been just fine. I terrified ED out of his mind Sunday and again today. OA meetings and being alright with who I am and as I am has been a big help. They all love Little IS, who I've been taking with me to help calm my nerves. ED has been trying his best with his lies, too....telling me that if I just obey him, the asthma will go away.... yeah, right! If I listen to him, the asthma will get worse, not go away, the dumb butt! Am under enough stress that he's hassling me big time, but I have not listened! Or if I have had a little slip, I haven't let it get me down and have come back with recovery. It's involved talking to friends, reaching out, doing art work, changing things up and just having fun as much as possible.

Just had to give an update post...now for a bit more apt cleaning and some reading of Jenni Schaefer!

Waiting it Out

Tonight's been a rough time with ED. I'm PMS-ing and it's causing major stress. There was a part of me that wanted to binge. I reached out to my mentor and to my good friend who has been a 2nd mentor to me. She suggested doing my art. I was feeling so iffy and ED was SOOO loud that I took my laptop with me to do the art so I could talk to my 2nd mentor friend. The art was not pretty and did not quite work in getting rid of the feeling (a lot of the stress being hormones and all), but it did allow me to start to separate from ED. I journalled our conversation:

ED: You're stressed, majorly stressed. Why not eat?
ME: Because I'm full and I notice this feeling. If I eat, I may listen to you and eat too much. I won't do that.
ED: Come on, I've helped you deal with PMS before.
ME: NO ED!!!! SHUT up! The most I'll do is get something to drink.
ED: You know you want to eat
ME: ED, shut the hell up!!! I'm getting a glass of the peach juice and that's it. I'm even going to read more of Jenni's book (Jenni Schaefer) to piss you off.

I did just what I said I would and I read until the feeling of binging passed. I went onto the computer again and connected again with a Mentor Connect pal and we exchanged success stories. By that time, there was a legit snack time and I felt more in control. I still stayed in contact with someone, told ED exactly what I wanted to get (a controlled portion due the binge feeling), got that despite his wanting me to get something else and ate it while talking to a friend to make sure I didn't go on to eat more than I was supposed to. It really worked and I was full and contented and proud of myself for having defeated ED again. If I keep this up, ED doesn't stand a chance!

Sometimes, reaching out and waiting it out is what is needed to defeat ED. By reaching out, getting help and reminder hints, and waiting until the feeling passed, I was able to defeat ED tonight.

Dreams

Dreams are such interesting things. They can terrify you, inspire you, put you down, or empower you. Lately I've had a bit of a combination of all those aspects of dreams. ED has invaded my dreams in a way that has terrified me, then put me down. He has come in rat form that won't leave, snake form, and in action form in a way I don't dare say on a blog b/c I don't want to trigger anyone who has also been there, but I will say, if you're a survivor you may know what I mean. ED is a bully that way, putting me down, terrifying me, trying to get me to follow his way, but I won't anymore. I'm in recovery and loving it.

The other side of dreams I've also had, namely the one last night. I took back my power from someone who had done sexual harassment and more, basically opposite of the other dreams (another hint). The dream had started out odd, with me doing illegal things, but ended up with me being empowered and inspired. Now I know I can help others somehow in some way. The dream showed me that. The journey may not always be easy (or orthodox for that matter), but it can happen and I can take my life back from my past. If I could do that in my dream, I can do that now. IS is getting more powerful inside and I love that fact. Now, more than ever, thanks to that dream, I KNOW I can be not only in recovery, but recovered! Everyone else out there struggling can too, if I can do it, you can! It's just a matter of believing in your IS and letting it grow and growl!

Last Night's battle

ED was attacking full force last night. He was not happy that I had called the person from OA or that I talked to my counselor. Thankfully, He did not win! Thanks to Thom Rutledge's book about facing fears, Jenni Schaefer's book "Life Without Ed" and Cheryl Kerrigan's book "Telling ED NO!" The tools I learned in these books helped me fight and win last night. I was in the midst of Cheryl's book, so hers was the most influential at the time.

Last night, I had to check a bruise in an odd place. As I looked at my body, ED's voice came back:
"You're fat, Julie, fat and ugly...look at that...why would anyone want that?"

I responded back w/my Body Mantra (THANKS CHERYL!):
(to the tune of "Bye Bye Birdie") "I love my body, oh yes I do, I love my body and I'll be true. When you're not feeling well, I'm blue! Oh body, I love you!"

Ed tried to come back with the fat messaage and the message about nobody wanting me, no one thinking I'm sexy, etc. I just kept replying with the song. I sang it aloud over and over again and even hummed it as I brushed my teeth. I would NOT let ED win!

He was determined, though, and as I finished getting ready for bed (the checking was part of the bedtime routine, I just wanted to see how good or bad it looked). By this time I was fed up with him. I wanted to go to bed and didn't want him invading my dreams (he has before...several times). But, I let him and I talk it out, as is in all three books, I actually verbalized both myself and ED. His voice is so much deeper, reaching into the baritone range, and sinister.

I told him that I wanted nothing to do with him, that yes, he was a help in the past (he was referencing my rough past that caused PTSD and to which, since I had been young, ED was my coping mechanism for....ED had been invading my dreams in reminding me of that past lately), but that he was not welcome. If I had to, I'd go get IS.

Now I had turned the light's out and IS's eyes can be pretty scary, but nonetheless was willing to get IS to roar and chase ED away (he HATES my inner strength and anything that symbolizes it). ED's response: "I dare you"

So I went in, turned on the lights (ED: "Hey! That's cheating!" Me: "No it's not, you just said that you dared me to get and turn on IS, there were no conditions to that.") I got IS, who sleeps on the couch and pressed his paw and cuddled him into me. He roared and moved his head back and forth as the jungle sounds also came out. ED was NOT happy. I pressed IS again and let him do his roar two more times. Then, I set IS down, turned off the lights, and not letting ED have the last word (another hint from the books) said "Roar, ED, Roar" and went to bed.

Big Step

Today I took a pretty big step. For one, I told on ED and his triggers in counseling. It's so freeing to be able to address the stuff and talk it out so that ED cannot get a foot hold. The bigger step was the fact that I called the OA contact person and have decided to go to OA meetings on Sunday nights. I'm a little bit nervous, but I think it's more ED that's nervous than I actually am. The person made me feel at ease by saying "some of us overeat, some of us undereat" that basically describes ED for me. ED's not gonna like it or my going to the Life Beyond ED chat Sunday night. Oh well! He can just take a hike! The biggest step yet will be actually going to the OA meeting! ED better watch out, because despite his being uncomfortable, I'm going!

Wanting a place

I wanted a place where I could be real, be honest about my fight with ED (eating disorder). Probably bits of these posts may also go into the MentorConnect blog, but I also wanted to record some of the more raw things, some of the conversations between ED and I that I may not necessarily be allowed to post on there. So, I took my leopard nickname, and have now created "Leopard Musings." I will say outright that I'm in the beginning stages of Recovery. ED is still loud and in my face and pulling all sorts of tricks, some of them subtle and almost unnoticeable.

I'm learning to separate from ED, who for me, is a bit bipolar. ED, if he had his way, would want me to restrict or binge, none of the gray area stuff that is normal eating. That's what I'm working on. I like the gray stuff. In some ways, you could call me a snow leopard, a mix of the black and white creating something beautiful. ED is also sneaky.

Now I will be honest, ED did at one time serve a purpose, but now he's just in the way. He served as my way of dealing with grief, of dealing with stress, especially post-traumatic stress. Now he's just a PITA (pain in the ass) whose goal is to make my life miserable and keep me from my dreams, like poetry and ministry.

I have a few tools, like art, music, poetry, and embracing the inner child. Inner Jewel has needs as well and I try to listen to her. In fact, I did today. I bought 2 leopard stuffed animals, one that needs caring for, like little Jewel does, and one that's a bit scarier, with a roar and creepy eyes. The one that needs caring for is Little IS (IS = Inner Strength) and the other is IS. Well, today, Little Jewel and I made Little IS a bed so she could be by us at night w/o fearing for her going off (she does make sounds, more kitten-ish sounds). IS can sit in it as well, but just so long as he doesn't go off in the middle of the night (roaring and eyes glowing), I'm fine (IS is okay as long as there are lights on LOL!) We decorated the box with flowers and rainbow colors and leopard spots and of course, Little IS's name. I put my skinny clothes in it so that my inner strength, symbolized by the two leopards, can overcome ED and his wanting to get me back into those clothes.

This blog is already helping me...being able to be as open and honest as I want feels awesome, although this is a PRO-RECOVERY BLOG, same as the one on Mentor Connect, only I don't have to worry about what is or is not allowed and can show at times the rougher side of recovery. In fact, pieces of even this one are going onto MC to help as many folks as I can.