Late Lessons

Sorry this post is so late, but things have been swirling about me. I loved this week's touch exercises and the interesting thing where my body and mind had totally different reactions to touch, to how it felt to be touched and where. When one was comfortable, the other was not and vice versa. However, as the poem that I'll post here will show you (also posted in my other blog), my body and I, through that, because of that and realizing truly that it has it's own language and feelings, we're becoming one once again, for the first time since I was 3 years old. It's an amazing thing for me to experience, or start to experience in just 4 weeks of class. I can't wait for Tuesday already!

Body (written by "Julie B aka Jewelbird)

Body,
you're lovely
you tell me a story
you're smarter than I realize

Body,
you have your own memory
and you don't forget much
you're wonderful

Body,
I'm sorry for what mind has done
I promise to take better care of us
you're superb

Body,
you're stronger than mind realizes
you're a fighter
you're super

Body,
you endure great things
you speak what you think or feel
you're ideal

Body,
I love us
We will come together fully
We are one!

Remembering How Far I've Come

So tonight was a night in which I partied and yet had some awesome conversations. Those conversations got me to thinking and to remembering back to 2007 when I first arrived at Drew, in PTSD and not at all healthy. Today, I am much healthier than I was, I know who I am and who I am fully. My health is getting under control, with naming and understanding a few things. I have matured a great deal in just 3 years. I have given up my victim identity and am working on giving up the patient personality/identity (although asthma and such dealt a blow to that one this week). I want to have the identity of Julie, Beloved Child of God, and Soon-to-be Chaplain. I have learned and am practicing boundaries, boundaries that help me to heal and prepare me for the work ahead.

I have also realized that with switching denominations, I have been given a gift....TIME. I cannot be ordained right out of seminary, I still have work to do in the ordination process of my new denomination and in doing internship classes so that I am prepared to be the best chaplain I can be. I also still have some more growing up and healing to do in order to again be the best chaplain I can be and so to do the work that God has called me to do.

All these things are such a good sign, and signs of health now and healing that has happened and preparation. I almost feel as if God knew all along I would not be QUITE ready for ministry straight out of seminary, but God had a plan in mind anyway....a plan that would give me healing and time and the tools I needed for ministry. I so thank God for all that has been done and all that God continues to do!

this week's "Resurrection of the Body"

This week was a blast! I had so much fun in the experiential part of the class. We even played a game of dodge-ball! Talk about getting in touch with our bodies and with fun!

We also had to do letters to our bodies. Me and my body, we're learning to trust each other as I am in Recovery from ED. After all, I spent 15 years abusing my poor body by listening to ED. We're starting to learn and trust each other. I am learning, as someone said, "the vocabulary of my body"... what it wants, needs, is saying to me. Tonight, during one of the stretches, it CLEARLY said to me, "Hey, Get back on the PT, will ya!" As my left kneecap moved a bit while kneeling on it. It hurt and I responded and understood that I need to give my body the strengthening it needs. I actually plan on doing so starting tomorrow, no matter what the time is like, I MUST take care of my body and show it that it can trust me. I will then trust it to recover from any diseases that I may encounter along the way here. I have also been trying to give my body the nutrition it wants and it has been so much happier with that so far.

It was kind of neat in class as everyone shared their letters. I will not say anything about anyone's letters (confidentiality), but will say that there was one person in class that if they had been in OA, I would've asked them to be my sponsor, because they had something that I wanted in my Recovery. It was kind of neat though to see that and to know that it IS truly possible!

Another thing I learned through the sharing was the our bodies and how we see our bodies, we each have our own, unique story. There are some commonalities, but how each person viewed and interacted with their body was so unique, so insanely unique and it was wonderful to see both the commonalities and the uniqueness.

So, how do you see your body? What would your letter to your body say?

Resurrection of the Body Week 2

We did even more stretching today and we did the move that was most important to us, for me that was the opening up of the chest. Someone has said that they did not realize that even breathing was a gift, and yet that is the move I chose, opening up of the chest, because I do realize that breathing is a gift, and a wonderful one at that, since there are times for me when that gift gets harder. There were so many good explanations as to what worked for each person.

A lesson that came up as we were sharing our self-care plans was the idea of "Our greatest fear is not that we are small, but that we are huge"- Marianne Williamson

As I've thought about this, I realize how true it's been in my own life and I've seen it in the lives of others. I'm afraid to be big, to be the best I can be and it often leads me to focus on my weaknesses instead of my strengths. Like other fears, I need to let this one go and know that it's okay to be the best I can be, God wants me to be the best I can be and that includes being healthy! When I am healthy, I am often looking for the next illness, but that's listening to that fear. Instead, I should enjoy being healthy and working towards becoming even more healthy, as I will with my self-care plan.

The whole idea of a self-care plan, complete with reward is a good idea, too. Something I think everyone should have, sort of like New Year's Resolutions (as Charlie and Lynn say), but to have an accountability partner (or a class full!) to help them stick to it and to let the plan be flexible. It could really come in handy.

Lessons from "Resurrection of the Body" class 1

So I'm in a new class, a wonderful, connecting, helpful class. We got some of what I consider meditation: centering, grounding, tai-chi type of things. There was aroma therapy throughout class as well as some getting to know each other time. There was so much taught in just that little bit of class.

The first lesson was being love finders vs being fault finders (from attitudinal healing principles) How about we do this for the body? We find parts of our bodies to love rather than parts of our bodies to find fault. It's hard, but it's a good thing to try to do and something that we can apply.

The second lesson (also from the principles) was to focus on the whole instead of focusing on the fragments. We can focus on overall recovery instead of focusing on the slips or setbacks in recovery. From my own experience, I have chosen to focus on the Recovery and still say I've been in Recovery for 3 months, and that's despite a known slip or two. I am choosing to focus on the whole instead of focusing on the fragments, which puts me in Recovery and puts down what ED is trying to tell me ("Focus on the slips, you're not in Recovery"). Instead it reaffirms that I am in Recovery and helps me tell ED to shove off!

Taking Recovery One Step further

My friend and I have been talking, we both battle eating disorders. Mine's slightly more under control, however, she pointed out to me that I'm still not getting the right nutrients into me. ED talked back to her a bit, since I was eating after all, and eating right portions, not too much or too little. The problem was that I wasn't eating the right things to give my body the nutrients it needs.

As we talked, I finally said "i guess it's time to take recovery that one step further to not just "ok, i'm eating a proper amount" but the proper food as well." Her response? "yes thank you for having that great thought."

As I read her statement, I realized how right she was. It was a great thought and a recovery thought! Not "I'll just have a multi-vitamin and set another alarm," not "but at least I'm eating!" but a true, kick ED butt recovery thought! It's true as well. I NEED to take recovery one step farther now. I have been eating the right amounts for the most part (a slip here or there, ED being a sneaky brat) for almost 3 months. Now it is time to take Recovery that one step farther. I don't think ED will like it and hopefully I'll get a sponsor, someone to whom I can be accountable for my food to, which will help me take this next step. If I can get to eating proper amounts AND proper food here and have it seem natural, then I feel that I will have hit late recovery and can do steps like daring to see my weight again, to see if it's just a number. I'm actually excited about this now. I think I can do this, no, I KNOW I can! ED, you better watch out, with the help of my friends and OA, we're coming after you!!!

Digging Vision

So as I was meditating yesterday, I ended up having a bit of a vision. In this vision, I was digging in the sand on the beach from the guided meditation. I was digging several holes, some with my hands, some with my feet (those holes were more awkward to dig than the ones with my hands). I also filled them back up, but it seemed that the only filled up part way.

Maybe that was the sign to stop the inner digging and start filling the holes back up. As I thought about it, I realized that I had dug down about as far as I'm able to go and in several different areas. Yet even if I fill the holes up, it's sand so it's able to be dug down again, but maybe it's telling me that I don't need to, that God will take care of it and maybe fill the holes with something more, since all I can fill it with is sand and dry sand at that. Some of the holes may be messier, and so harder to refill, but I think it's time to rebuild again after years of digging the holes, digging down deep, and yet digging occasionally when it's appropriate, like digging into the meditation, and when I get to it, Step 4 about taking an honest moral inventory of myself.

Mindfulness

Since I've been meditating every day on my walks to/from work and during errand runs, I've noticed myself becoming more mindful and noticing things that I never noticed before. I actually caught pictures of a Monarch butterfly today on the way to work, and even before I left for work, I noticed a broken window that I had never noticed before. I have no clue how long it was there, but I'm glad I caught it before winter comes again, since that could be one reason my room was so cold last winter. This mindfulness is really neat and I'm loving it. I'm even loving meditation to the point that I wanted originally to drive to work, but then changed my mind because I wanted to meditate on the walk there. I'll pick up the car on the way home for the reason I wanted to drive to work. If I hadn't chosen to walk, I would've never seen the butterfly. If I hadn't been mindful and paying attention to what's around me, I also would not have seen it. Sometimes, meditation and the results of it can be beautiful!

Perfectionism

I've just been reading in Jenni Schaefer's book and was on the section about perfectionism. As I read, I thought about my own past and my own perfectionism. To see me now, to listen to me talk about school work, you would never believe that I have perfectionistic tendencies. I'm fine with homework being "good enough" so long as I have tried my best in a realistic manner. In fact, there have been a few finals (especially last year) where I gave up and said "I'm done, I've done what I can and now I give." It was not perfect, far from, but it was good enough to get me the B or A in the class. Sometimes, even C's have been good enough, or the thought of C's. Ironically, in the classes where I thought that I'd be content with a C, I ended up getting at least a B, because I had done my best, despite it all. In academia, my parents helped me overcome my tendencies, by telling me that as long as I did my best, they didn't care what grade I got. I guess I was working on my perfectionism long before I ever started work on ED.

Relationships are another matter. I'm working on the perfectionistic tendencies there. I still find it hard to disappoint people, to make people mad at me. Every fiber of my being cries out when I do that, but I'm learning. I'm learning that I'm not going to make everyone happy. Some people will be disappointed in me, some people won't like me, and some will get angry at me, even if it's just for a short time. In some ways, an ex-friend is helping me deal with my perfectionism in this area. She cut me off with no warning, no explanation. I usually like explanations for when I've hurt someone so that I can avoid it in the future. The option, however, is not there. I have been blocked from contacting this person. I'm learning to sit with it, to be okay with the fact that I may never know, may never understand, and will never have the perfect relationship with this person. Yes, it's still haunting me, but over time, as I work on my tendencies, it is getting easier. I am learning, as they say in OA, "What people think of me is none of my business." That phrase has actually become a mantra, a reminder when I worry about what people think of me. As long as I'm doing my best and I know it, I'm okay, no matter what others think of me. This may even give me the courage to follow more of my dreams, without worrying about what folks think and just going with the flow.

If I can do it, anyone can. Just remember "What people think of me is none of my buisnesss" and "follow your dreams!"

Lessons in balance and from Overeaters Anonymous

It's been a while since I've written on here, but that's partially because I've been battling migraine and loneliness lately. ED the whole time has been trying to get me to do this or do that, undereat or overeat. I've fought him off so far, though. Instead of listening to ED, I've read in my OA book, reached out to others (no matter how hard it was to do) including calling at least one person from OA.

OA has been a teacher for sure. The folks there have been so helpful. I've started journaling again, only I call it (as they called it) the letter to God. As part of the journaling I've also started to do 10 gratitudes, which reminds me that no matter how rough or how bleak my day has been, there are always things to be grateful for.

I've started to meditate more often, which started with the one meeting. The meditation can be as simple as just letting the thoughts flow through my mind and not paying attention to them, but paying attention to other things around me as I'm walking. I've gotten great pictures of baby deer and flowers this way and it puts me more at peace, helping to ease tension.

After hearing the definition of abstinent to be abstinent from the compulsive over (or for me over OR under) eating behaviors or anything that would trigger those behaviors and another definition being that abstinent means sticking to the food plan, I've started making a food plan. It really helps me to find that middle ground, and once I find a sponsor, I'll share the food plan with her/him and that'll help keep me accountable. I've also given up chocolate, and although it's hard, with the support of the OA folks, I know I can do it. I need to give it up for my health (migraine) and because it's a huge trigger food that is the most likely to send me into a binge.

Doing the meal plans has been such a blessing. I only do it one day in advance and I do try to think of the food groups, so while I may not be eating necessarily the amount given by the food pyramid, I'm trying my best to come close. I won't be perfect, especially as I'm doing this without a nutritionist, but all I can do is do my best. I do allow for substitutions and migraine is the most common offender for that, since it may mean I have to order in due to not being able to cook, or doing a simple meal instead of a bigger one. Some do meal plans by writing how much of what group they'll do, for me, I write the specific food. It helps guarantee that I'll eat (that and the accountability to the folks of OA). I've spent a few years learning what a normal portion was (with some help from WebMD and other health sites) for eyeballing it, or will go by something like 1-2 bowls of soup is normal.

I've also started reading the dailies in one of the books and used that to ponder over...so often, it ends up being just what I need for that day. Combined with Jenni Schaefer's books, I'm doing a little better.

I guess the key for me is balance, balancing migraine with recovery, balancing meal plans and OA meetings with fun outside. Making me time to meditate, even if it's while on an errand for work, or going to/from work. Journaling even if it's just over the course of a day. Making sure to reach out when I need to, no matter how hard it is. Reading when I need to and sometimes when I don't want to (catching the loneliness chapter in Jenni's book DURING and not after it had passed would have been good, if only I had gone with what I NEEDED to do and read the book). And so my lessons in balance continue....I must remember that GRAY IS OK!

Meditation Musings

So, in OA we do meditation times and I was in the Meditation meeting and had an interesting experience. I've been feeling lonely, left out, and unsure of my past or my future. Well, as the guided meditation passed, there was some time, after dropping a few things in the God Box, that we had to ourselves, between us and God. I was still feeling the loneliness and the wonder, and had dropped a few things off in the God Box about what had been going on in my mind the past few days. I went and sat on the beach as the leader mentioned, letting the sand of the beach we were at get into my shorts swimsuit, when I felt God in his/her (very much androgynous) presence. We talked for a bit about what had been going on, and then I got challenged to enter the water. I followed God into the water, letting myself feel the sand, the pain of stepping on shells, I went in shallow at first, just God and I, but then dared to go deeper, even looking underneath the water. (Water typically = trouble for me). I saw the beauty underneath the scary waves and as I went to the point where I could not touch bottom and clung to God like an anxious little kid, God showed me the friends, in the form of dolphins. I saw nicola, devyn, ron, chris, madeline, jenny, val, and others. It helped me not feel so alone and writing this is helping to break more isolation again. The meditation was perfect for what I needed and I hope to get to do that more often, even if it means getting up earlier to do it.

Crazy week

It's been one wild and crazy week! Have not felt well due to asthma, but other than that, this week has been just fine. I terrified ED out of his mind Sunday and again today. OA meetings and being alright with who I am and as I am has been a big help. They all love Little IS, who I've been taking with me to help calm my nerves. ED has been trying his best with his lies, too....telling me that if I just obey him, the asthma will go away.... yeah, right! If I listen to him, the asthma will get worse, not go away, the dumb butt! Am under enough stress that he's hassling me big time, but I have not listened! Or if I have had a little slip, I haven't let it get me down and have come back with recovery. It's involved talking to friends, reaching out, doing art work, changing things up and just having fun as much as possible.

Just had to give an update post...now for a bit more apt cleaning and some reading of Jenni Schaefer!

Waiting it Out

Tonight's been a rough time with ED. I'm PMS-ing and it's causing major stress. There was a part of me that wanted to binge. I reached out to my mentor and to my good friend who has been a 2nd mentor to me. She suggested doing my art. I was feeling so iffy and ED was SOOO loud that I took my laptop with me to do the art so I could talk to my 2nd mentor friend. The art was not pretty and did not quite work in getting rid of the feeling (a lot of the stress being hormones and all), but it did allow me to start to separate from ED. I journalled our conversation:

ED: You're stressed, majorly stressed. Why not eat?
ME: Because I'm full and I notice this feeling. If I eat, I may listen to you and eat too much. I won't do that.
ED: Come on, I've helped you deal with PMS before.
ME: NO ED!!!! SHUT up! The most I'll do is get something to drink.
ED: You know you want to eat
ME: ED, shut the hell up!!! I'm getting a glass of the peach juice and that's it. I'm even going to read more of Jenni's book (Jenni Schaefer) to piss you off.

I did just what I said I would and I read until the feeling of binging passed. I went onto the computer again and connected again with a Mentor Connect pal and we exchanged success stories. By that time, there was a legit snack time and I felt more in control. I still stayed in contact with someone, told ED exactly what I wanted to get (a controlled portion due the binge feeling), got that despite his wanting me to get something else and ate it while talking to a friend to make sure I didn't go on to eat more than I was supposed to. It really worked and I was full and contented and proud of myself for having defeated ED again. If I keep this up, ED doesn't stand a chance!

Sometimes, reaching out and waiting it out is what is needed to defeat ED. By reaching out, getting help and reminder hints, and waiting until the feeling passed, I was able to defeat ED tonight.

Dreams

Dreams are such interesting things. They can terrify you, inspire you, put you down, or empower you. Lately I've had a bit of a combination of all those aspects of dreams. ED has invaded my dreams in a way that has terrified me, then put me down. He has come in rat form that won't leave, snake form, and in action form in a way I don't dare say on a blog b/c I don't want to trigger anyone who has also been there, but I will say, if you're a survivor you may know what I mean. ED is a bully that way, putting me down, terrifying me, trying to get me to follow his way, but I won't anymore. I'm in recovery and loving it.

The other side of dreams I've also had, namely the one last night. I took back my power from someone who had done sexual harassment and more, basically opposite of the other dreams (another hint). The dream had started out odd, with me doing illegal things, but ended up with me being empowered and inspired. Now I know I can help others somehow in some way. The dream showed me that. The journey may not always be easy (or orthodox for that matter), but it can happen and I can take my life back from my past. If I could do that in my dream, I can do that now. IS is getting more powerful inside and I love that fact. Now, more than ever, thanks to that dream, I KNOW I can be not only in recovery, but recovered! Everyone else out there struggling can too, if I can do it, you can! It's just a matter of believing in your IS and letting it grow and growl!

Last Night's battle

ED was attacking full force last night. He was not happy that I had called the person from OA or that I talked to my counselor. Thankfully, He did not win! Thanks to Thom Rutledge's book about facing fears, Jenni Schaefer's book "Life Without Ed" and Cheryl Kerrigan's book "Telling ED NO!" The tools I learned in these books helped me fight and win last night. I was in the midst of Cheryl's book, so hers was the most influential at the time.

Last night, I had to check a bruise in an odd place. As I looked at my body, ED's voice came back:
"You're fat, Julie, fat and ugly...look at that...why would anyone want that?"

I responded back w/my Body Mantra (THANKS CHERYL!):
(to the tune of "Bye Bye Birdie") "I love my body, oh yes I do, I love my body and I'll be true. When you're not feeling well, I'm blue! Oh body, I love you!"

Ed tried to come back with the fat messaage and the message about nobody wanting me, no one thinking I'm sexy, etc. I just kept replying with the song. I sang it aloud over and over again and even hummed it as I brushed my teeth. I would NOT let ED win!

He was determined, though, and as I finished getting ready for bed (the checking was part of the bedtime routine, I just wanted to see how good or bad it looked). By this time I was fed up with him. I wanted to go to bed and didn't want him invading my dreams (he has before...several times). But, I let him and I talk it out, as is in all three books, I actually verbalized both myself and ED. His voice is so much deeper, reaching into the baritone range, and sinister.

I told him that I wanted nothing to do with him, that yes, he was a help in the past (he was referencing my rough past that caused PTSD and to which, since I had been young, ED was my coping mechanism for....ED had been invading my dreams in reminding me of that past lately), but that he was not welcome. If I had to, I'd go get IS.

Now I had turned the light's out and IS's eyes can be pretty scary, but nonetheless was willing to get IS to roar and chase ED away (he HATES my inner strength and anything that symbolizes it). ED's response: "I dare you"

So I went in, turned on the lights (ED: "Hey! That's cheating!" Me: "No it's not, you just said that you dared me to get and turn on IS, there were no conditions to that.") I got IS, who sleeps on the couch and pressed his paw and cuddled him into me. He roared and moved his head back and forth as the jungle sounds also came out. ED was NOT happy. I pressed IS again and let him do his roar two more times. Then, I set IS down, turned off the lights, and not letting ED have the last word (another hint from the books) said "Roar, ED, Roar" and went to bed.

Big Step

Today I took a pretty big step. For one, I told on ED and his triggers in counseling. It's so freeing to be able to address the stuff and talk it out so that ED cannot get a foot hold. The bigger step was the fact that I called the OA contact person and have decided to go to OA meetings on Sunday nights. I'm a little bit nervous, but I think it's more ED that's nervous than I actually am. The person made me feel at ease by saying "some of us overeat, some of us undereat" that basically describes ED for me. ED's not gonna like it or my going to the Life Beyond ED chat Sunday night. Oh well! He can just take a hike! The biggest step yet will be actually going to the OA meeting! ED better watch out, because despite his being uncomfortable, I'm going!

Wanting a place

I wanted a place where I could be real, be honest about my fight with ED (eating disorder). Probably bits of these posts may also go into the MentorConnect blog, but I also wanted to record some of the more raw things, some of the conversations between ED and I that I may not necessarily be allowed to post on there. So, I took my leopard nickname, and have now created "Leopard Musings." I will say outright that I'm in the beginning stages of Recovery. ED is still loud and in my face and pulling all sorts of tricks, some of them subtle and almost unnoticeable.

I'm learning to separate from ED, who for me, is a bit bipolar. ED, if he had his way, would want me to restrict or binge, none of the gray area stuff that is normal eating. That's what I'm working on. I like the gray stuff. In some ways, you could call me a snow leopard, a mix of the black and white creating something beautiful. ED is also sneaky.

Now I will be honest, ED did at one time serve a purpose, but now he's just in the way. He served as my way of dealing with grief, of dealing with stress, especially post-traumatic stress. Now he's just a PITA (pain in the ass) whose goal is to make my life miserable and keep me from my dreams, like poetry and ministry.

I have a few tools, like art, music, poetry, and embracing the inner child. Inner Jewel has needs as well and I try to listen to her. In fact, I did today. I bought 2 leopard stuffed animals, one that needs caring for, like little Jewel does, and one that's a bit scarier, with a roar and creepy eyes. The one that needs caring for is Little IS (IS = Inner Strength) and the other is IS. Well, today, Little Jewel and I made Little IS a bed so she could be by us at night w/o fearing for her going off (she does make sounds, more kitten-ish sounds). IS can sit in it as well, but just so long as he doesn't go off in the middle of the night (roaring and eyes glowing), I'm fine (IS is okay as long as there are lights on LOL!) We decorated the box with flowers and rainbow colors and leopard spots and of course, Little IS's name. I put my skinny clothes in it so that my inner strength, symbolized by the two leopards, can overcome ED and his wanting to get me back into those clothes.

This blog is already helping me...being able to be as open and honest as I want feels awesome, although this is a PRO-RECOVERY BLOG, same as the one on Mentor Connect, only I don't have to worry about what is or is not allowed and can show at times the rougher side of recovery. In fact, pieces of even this one are going onto MC to help as many folks as I can.